The only thing to worry about...

... is when there's nothing left to fear.

lol.

So yesterday i 'broke the fast' (if you count forty hours as a decent fast). Had a short 9-12 shift, then had lunch in the form of a diet yoghurt (85) and mexebeans with olives (280). Then for dinner we went to chinese and i ordered sweet and sour vegetable stir fry (no idea? what do you think?) and unfortunately two san choy bow (400 max?) so a good day following a fast. Today was meant to be a fast but mother dearest wants to have dinner, so we're going to a pizza place where i'll have a small greek salad sans dressing. Cuz it's not a fast day i decided it'll be a restrict-ish day, so i'm starting with this awesome rice pudding (see below, 230), then going shopping where i'm thinking of having a muffin break low fat or weight watchers muffin (280/240) and a salad (300) then dinner (salad-200). So total... = 970. Yayy just under 1000.

Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup precooked brown rice
• 1/3 cup skim milk (I substituted 1/4 cup reduced fat soy milk and enough water to make 1/3 cup of liquid)
• 1 egg white
• pinch of salt
• 1 dash ground cinnamon
• 1 dash ground nutmeg
• 1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
• 2 Splenda packets (You may want to use another sugar substitute like Stevia. However if you use Equal, sprinkle on your rice after cooking)
• 1 small apple, sliced

Directions:

1. Mix cooked brown rice with 1/4 cup milk in a saucepan. Add sugar (and a pinch of salt if no salt was used in cooking the rice). Cook over medium-low heat for 15-20, until thickened and milk is absorbed.
2. Take sliced apples and cook in micorwave until tender. Use a GLAD SimplyCooking microwave steaming bag for perfectly steamed apples. Or just cook in a covered microwave safe bowl.
3. Beat egg white with remaining milk. Stir into rice mixture and add vanilla. Cook 2 minutes.
4. Dust with cinnamon and nutmeg and serve on top of apples.

Nutritional Information:

Calories 222 
Fat 1.3g 
Carbohydrates 41.1g 
Fiber 2.7g 
Protein 10g

I'm spending today being the biggest lazy person ever. Watching repeats of grey's anatomy, facebooking and lounging aroudn then i'm gonna spend heaps of moulah on after christmas sales :)

xx Claude
stay strong

Coincedental fast (:

Yayy so an eight and a half hour shift and a spontaneous movie night right through the day means i accidently (" ") ended up sans food! Woot. So i'm going to replace tomorrow (tuesday's) fast with today seeing as i'm going out to dinner then fast wednesday, added bonus of breaking it up. (preventing my metabolism being snail trail slow)

how is everyone going post christmas? Ps forgot to tell you BonesArePure but i totally made your cookies and they were delicious. Maybe it's cuz family are used to butter and sugar laden desserts so stuff thats made healthily just doesn't taste the same, but i thought they were awesome.

Cleopatra three weeks old :)

xx Claude

Fasting pact?

What are we thinking of a joint fast? Say... two days starting like tuesday? Then we can still have boxing day and the next day just in case of snooping family etc. Maybe allow liquids (for me diet drinks and diet jelly). Anyone game? Feel free to change the days/allowed foods/liquids i just REALLY need to get rid of this food baby and go into the new year feeling a tad skinny opposed to my current beach whale-ness. see attached pic of me as a beached whale.

 

So disgusting. Observe pudgy stomach and flabby thighs. Vomit.

xx Claude. Merry Christmas for those in the northern hemispehere and get your fast on biatchez!

The inevitable christmas binge...

The average person scoffs 25,000kJs on Christmas Day. That’s enough energy to fuel a 29km walk.


This stat totally shocked me - until i began christmas day that is. Of course I'd planned to have minimal breakfast, maybe nothing in anticipation of a slightly larger lunch, yet still small. This was because we were going to the Crowne Plaza buffet (one hundred and fifty bucks a person, the fanciest of the fancy) and i'd googled the menu. Of course it was huge, but they had a number of lower calorie options (think sushi/sashimi/seafood, heaps of salads, salmon etc). The minute my grandparents got here with a box of chocolate and sliced fruit cake for everyone, things started going down hill. By the time we got to the buffet there was no chance. I had a gigantic plate with everything imaginable and then went back for even bigger bowl of dessert (think cheesecake, fruit pudding, eclairs, slices, pavlova). Tried to purge and it was obvious i was going to go do it which made it even WORSE when i couldn't bring anything up! Worst feeling in the entire world is being stuffed and not even being able to purge. Another bad thing is right now i'm waiting for my parents to go out and use their christmas presents (kayaks) so i can eat the aforementioned box of chocolates and fruit cake and watch movies... Just relying on starving the next few days.


On the upside (of another totally shit christmas) I got some great christmas presents: My baby (the bearded dragon) who is only three weeks old and smaller than my hand, i called her cleopatra :) She came with a handmade white wood enclosure and my Pop built an awesome white table... 


On the downside my mother rang...and she is getting engaged. Shock. disbelief. You'd understand if you met her, she is on so many anti-depressants that she is just a block of ice. She has no emotions and is condescending and i can't believe this has happened... And they're planning to get married at the same time my little brother or sister is born! (the one she doesn't know about). Shite!


Who's feeling the need to fast/start a crazy diet to recover from the feral-ness of christmas bingeing? Ps what did everyone get/partake in?


xx Claude

Stationary shopping aka my favourite past-time

I don't know whether it's the rows of patterned paper or the hundreds of shiny plastic pencil cases and gadgets, but stationary shopping is just my favourite thing to do :) Said to my dad that I was going to dinner with my mum (genius) and just spent an extra couple of hours shopping. The huge list of crap i bought for school includes binders (think seven of the things in 'lollyshade' colours), pastel coloured binder separaters, general stationary and some friggin awesome notebooks... Jizz in my pants.

After the second annual function (fabbity xmas party thrown by best friends) and getting home and practically eating my way to sleep (disgusting.fugly.gross) i fasted today and am fasting till tomorrow night, so two days. My weight's pretty bleh - but on the upside its three days till christmas and i am taking a leaf out of 'bonesarepure's book and making low calorie oatmeal cookies (apricot, less cals than cranberry) and taking them to the mandatory family dinners...

Just a quick post, pumped to get Law and Order SVU as my next tv series (just finished grey's anatomy - holy crap the season 6 ending is crazy!)

xx Claude

Big Mistake.

Was working this morning 8am and after a gross binge last night thought the bakery would be a good pit stop (and it helped me get motivation to get out of bed). bad idea ( not the 'Big Mistake'!) because after 500 calories of muesli, banana bread and half a muffin i was STUFFED and so not in the mood for working. I don't know what it is but i work wayy better if i'm restricting, i don't have to worry about feeling full i can just work and have this awesome feeling of starving. Mainly cuz of that/not wanting to binge means i don't eat at work. as in nothing, which has become totally obvious after these few week of summer holidays and extra work.  Everyone at work including my boss makes little digs about 'aren't you going to eat'? 'we're going to get you on a drip'! and then my boss got all macho 'during these hot days we're gonna need to see you eat so you don't pass out'. usually i'm cool with it and i just laugh or shrug it off but today i was all full and gross after the binge so i took a stupid risk and said to my boss that i had an ED for four years and he was all like 'sorry i shouldn't have made jokes' etc but then it was totally awkward from then and he kept giving me pity looks and stuff. i am such an idiot for saying something - it had been on the back of my mind to say something for the past few shifts so people would shut up about it, and now i'm reminded the consequences of telling people about something like this. Awkwardness and embarrassment. Anyway enough ranting for today. Fasting wednesday and thursday (psych thurs) and christmas party tonight. Pact of losing weight for christmas anyone? 


xx Claude

The daily grind

(what an ironic title seeing as i used to work for 'the daily grind' :P)

So just finished an eight hour shift (8-4) which feels huge but probly isn't. The looming of another day of work tuesday really kills me. Got the post work binge down to 2 low-fat yoghurts, diet jelly, small muffin and a christmas lolly pop. Much better than two nights ago which was the whole xmas party fiasco. Last night had a joyful (not) christmas dinner with my mother's side of the family - the best that can be said is i got fifty bucks and a salad for dinner.

Now freaking out about the psych in... four days, especially seeing as the wii fit read 54 kgs and last time i went down i was 53... Methinks last minute laxatives/fasting. Found this awesome product 'Quorn' which is meat free meat but really low cal, perfect for dinners cuz the family think it's meat! Genius :P

Whats everyone wanting/getting for christmas?? I've been crazy buying presents, it's so fun to wrap stuff and put it under the tree... speaking of tree's, i'll take/post a pic of ours.

anyway i am getting back to my childhood roots and about to embark on a cluedo marathin :P will update later with cals etc.

stay strong everyone!
xx Claude

Craziest dream

Weirdest dream - i dreamt that i was in a room with my family and they were all watching and i kept shoving my face full with cheese and spitting it out in huge mouthfulls and they just stared and then it changed and i was in the school bathroom puking and crying and this guy pulled me out and cleaned me up...odd?

Also i woke this morning feeling (and LOOKING) HUGEEEE. i have a psych appointment in five days and i don't want to be fat again. Especially cuz when you go in there is a roomful of tiny girls and then this stick will come out of his office and he has the nerve to tell me not to lose weight! When i am obese compared to the other girls.

Yeesh this ranting is doing my head in :P

So finishing christmas shopping today, it's that time of year and i'm keeeeen as a bunch of string beans.

xx Claude

Accountability

So after another day of eating nothing at work and ending up having a huge disgusting binge at a christmas party i've decided enough is enough. I seriously ate an unbelievable amount of food - i need another person to be accountable to! especially over this christmas period. just so i don't feel like i'm getting away guilt free ...
claude

Work...

So recovering from yesterday's binge, haven't eaten (3 pm) and it must've been a damaging binge because i am not hungry in the slightest but downside is i have gained nearly two kilos, that's right TWO. It better come off fast. I hate the last minute 'can you come in to work' especially when i'm going to watch a dance concert and it's fricken hailing outside. I should really be going...

anafly: for me a binge is where i just lose control, i hate counting calories during a binge (mainly cuz i never ever plan to overeat) but i guess they can range from 500 - 2000 (grosss - only if it's like a full day of overeating).

... i hate the thought that overeating just kinda strikes anywhere anytime, for me it's not like there is a 'trigger' (shit word) i just randomly lose control...

xx Claude

Grr and off the wagon we fall.

So we've all heard it. Another bad day at the pantry. Full binge day, mostly at christmas carols so i'm going to label this my 'christmas binge' which will happen ONCE and never again....bleh i am just disgusting.
Anafly: deffs love the feeling of buying a new scale; thinking i'll get a new one and just hide it (easy to avoid awkward parent questions)
Bella: SO jealous i really want super mario bro's! Best childhood game, funnest and most addictive. swap much?

xx Claude (short post, basking (not) in being full/bloated/feral)

Unbearable Lightness

was seriously amazing! I love when you can totally relate to the author's theories and thoughts on ED's (but they never really inspire you to change). So looking at my uber collection of ED related books and trying to come up with a top three/five.
I think the one's that make the cut are

• Wasted (Marya Hornbacher - duh)
• The best little girl in the world (steven levenkron)
• Wintergirls (Laurie Hale Anderson)
• Monkey Taming (Judith Fathallah)
• Skin (A. M. Vrettos)

And finallllllllly (drum roll)

• Unbearable Lightness (Portia de Rossi aka Amanda rogers)

Opinions? Favourites? 

So today I'm wrapping everyone's stocking stuffers/presents (EEEEE favourite-est thing to do since... diet coke) and then doing my granddaughterly duties. Only fly in the ointment (lol) is that my granny is bringing lunch - and you can pretty much count on it being some oily chicken dish with homemade calorific slices after... greattt. Then going to japanese for dinner (thinking miso and sashimi =?) and epic christmas carols for four hours (fireworks to) with my friends = aNOTHER picnic of crap (think Quiche, cupcakes, caramel slice, lollies and chip's.). Thank god for my personal stash of pepsi max/diet coke.

Waiting for the fricken window cleaners to leave so i can wii fit it up. On summer holidays so new kinda diet trend is fruit salad (80 cals worth) with a diet yoghurt (70) for breakfast and then salad for lunch and just try get through family dinner. Mostly so i don't binge when i'm home by myself. 

Freaky deakiest thing. So had my weight watchers scale break, then stole my parents only to have it mysteriously disappear. I went out and spent thirty bucks on a new glass electronic scale and it worked ONCE and then next morning it was broken!! I am so pissed. Is there something about my bathroom that causes electronic scales to spontaneously breakdown!??! So what does everyone think of non electronic ones? like with a dial etc.. I've never been a fan cuz it's hard to be totally exact, but i'm thinking it's my last option.

xx Claude

Wow a post.

Don't go into cardiac arrest everyone, i've just taken the plunge and written a post! :O I've been reading everyone's blogs, but haven't had anything of worth to contribute.

Some updates into the heckers life of Claude

• My step mum is 15 weeks and three days pregnant (crazy exciting)
• I've been demoted from monthly to weekly psych appointments
• I've reunited with my mother
• My two pairs of scales were:broken and confiscated respectively, i bought  pair. They broke. fml
• According to wii fit, my weight late afternoon was in the 53 category. I'm getting my 52 on though
• I'm addicted to fruit salad and diet yoghurt
• Apparently my mother (and me. ish) has a schnauzer called Bob
• It's eleven days till christmas! 
• Eleven days until i get two bearded dragons. NAME HELP: Demetrius, Cleopatra, Rex or Nutmeg? or any other brill suggestions.
• School is officially over *sans year 12 english reading* and i am working like a dog (not really), going to the Great barrier reef, Japan and the Australian open (tennis).
• I've been eating between 600 and 1600 (on rare days) but like usual not working out
• Joined this hectic tennis squad that's heaps fitness-y, lovin it.

That's about it in my life. Except that i got Portia de Rossi (PdR)'s new autobiography and it's amazing so far. Also bought 'purge'.

toodles doodles

xx Claude

fat, bloated, ugly.

This is you and me. This is you replacing an apple because it has sixty calories. This is you and me doing star jumps instead of showering. This is you. And me.

This is you coming home and finally saying fuck it. You, buttering slice after slice, sending them down whole, with fatty congealed milk. You with your hands on the belly of a woman many months pregnant. This is you, barely breathing from a stomach several times it’s normal size. You, bent over the toilet bowl both hands clawing at the calories invading your body. You on the floor, lying in your own vomit. You standing at kitchen, back for more. You for the tenth time, blood pouring from a throat ripped, hundred fold.

This is you in bed hands cradling a bowling ball, swollen, painful. You the next morning on the scales. Measure, weigh, re weigh. This is you trying all over again.

This is you four years later, standing on the scales. This is you watching your friends grow up. This is you, staying a little girl. You with a laxative in one hand and ipecac in the other. You with no means of survival but the thought of thin.

This is you at the end of your life, you with your body torn to shreds and your mind bleeding on the floor. This is you and me baby.

fml

fucking huge binge/purge today i feel so disgusting thank god i just sat there i was seriously considering just swallowing pills or doing something stupid so i could not feel it anymore.
i've ripped my throat and everything from puking but i can't stop and i don't even want to do it anymore but i can't stop!!! freaking.
eh everything is so overrated and crappy.

psych and loss

So this morning my weight was at 51.6. I know that tomorrow it'll be higher (just cuz i'm feeling some water loading going on) but thats like...an eight kilo loss :) also 1.6 from my goal weight and bmi of 18.4! The psych was bad and good. on one hand it was him and me the whole time, so my parents who were bursting with news about my bad eating habits had to stay quiet (even though they sent him an email). on the other hand, i broke my stead fast rule of not being weighed and let him weigh me, partly cuz i wanted to prove that i had lost weight, that i wasn't overeating because that is so shameful and also i was proving i was in the healthy weight category. He said no more weight loss and now i'm getting weighed every session, which is a major bummer cuz a) i can NOT gain otherwise he will know and it will be horrible and i'll look soo fat and b) if i lose which of course i want to, he is going to make my parents monitor my breakfast and lunch way more rigidly. It's a lose/lose situation. Of course there is water loading...Still i hate all these threats and shit especially when i AM fat as in bmi of 19.5 and healthy!! It's so unnecessary.

Also christmas is coming up, the dreaded month of scorched almonds, mince pies, fruit cake and roast meet. The boxes of chocolates which are so inviting...

I've been fixated on cheesecake recipes at the moment. I spend like every night poring over them, and i am considering baking a super light one although of course it's still like 200 calories a slice or something ridiculous. I need to bake it and have people around so i can serve it/get rid of it after only a serving... ah the dilemma's :)

Anyway i've been under 600 for a couple days, so i've lost about two kilos since last post and although i dream about pumpkin pie, chocolate with strawberry centers and gooey butterscotch chocolate muffins i have not and WILL not cave.
I have found a love of freezing things - freeze a 70 calorie diet yoghurt for frozen yoghurt that takes a good half hour to eat, a frozen pot of rockmelon is like 70 calories for a huge bowl and tastes awesome same with grapes.

Anyway gotta go think about food instead of doing homework
xx Claude

Family rant time.

So it's time once again to freak out about comments from my rather re eating I hate it when he brings up my eating because..it just sounds horrible and i get all uncomfortable. Like we'll be sitting with extended family or even his friends and he'll say "before we do ... you have to get your eating patterns under control" or "your disordered eating impacts on the whole family". just really cringe-worthy embarrasing shit like that.

We're planning a holiday this january, it's going to be epic. We're going to the top of Australia (cairns) and swimming in the great barrier reef for a couple days, then going to Osaka in Japan for a week, where it'll be freezing cold then picking my friend up and going to Melbourne (aus.) to see the australian open tennis and go shopping. We're (my step mum and me) are getting all excited about melbourne and looking at accomodation and then dad comes out with "before we go you need to get your eating controlled, none of this weight management and pickiness"and now everything is hostile and awkward between us GRRR i hate this out of control feeling.

When we go on holidays food problems will be in Japan and on the flights. Because we're staying in a traditional hotel they provide all meals and i know from experience they're like five course breakfast lunch and dinner. The flights are typical plane food but i'm considering ordering something different on the flight or not eating it...dunno yet. Anyway thats not for two and a half months.

My weight this morning was 53 kgs, and i ate 850 cals today which is more than a low cal day but i am planning to liquid fast tomorrow. I'm going swimming at like 6.30pm with my friend and i told my parents we're having fish and chips, i hope i don't get discovered or forced to eat dinner at home.

Psych on tuesday is going to be verrrrry interesting because dad is going to come out with the usual crap of me being very controlled and picky and obsessed with calories, weight yada yada. I just hope the guy doesn't suggest dad monitor my breakfast and lunch cuz i will FREAK. I've been organising more dinners out and stuff with my mum cuz she really doesn't care and has no clue so its sooo much easier.

anyway we're going to watch friends probly in awkward silence and dad is going to give me more blackmail about not going on holidays unless i get my eating under control

just a rant post, hopefully 52 kilos by tuesday morning. got some future dinners under control: tomorrow fast, tuesday japanese (cabbage, seaweed salad, diet coke), wednesday prawns w/ salad thursday something fatty and gross like pasta and friday i'll make a stir fry.

xx Claude

My scales are broken!!!

Ahh worst nightmare come true. I replaced the batteries but it's totally dead - won't turn on and it has a completely blank screen. So now i need to wait until my parents are out and steal their scales, but currently i am charging the wii fit's batteries, so hopefully thats accurate.

So my psych is in two days and i have no idea when i'll get a chance for totally accurate weighing - how frigging annoying. The past two days or so my intake has been <600 and i do feel kinda shaky (the usual crap) and yesterday i was back to 53.6 thank the lord.

I've seen harry potter twice now, it's the best :) "that's a curious thing to keep in your sock..."

xx Claude

Quick update, failures and formal photos

So i have refrained from posting over the past few days. Partly cuz i've been freaking out about HSC english exams and partly cuz i have been shit (pardon my french) at sticking to my diet!! I had my formal last night, i was aprox 54 kilos, so wayy fro where i wanted to be but i fit in my dress and everything. After formal we went to see the first harry potter screening at midnight woot. Unfortunately i ate my way through a 130gram bag of lollies, 200 grams of snow drops, a choc top and heaps of pods eww. Then today has just been binge city AGAIN. Banana bread, sour dough, peanut butter, nutella, caramel slice, muesli bar, sandwich, biscuits times a billion, ice cream, pie the fucking disgusting list goes on you have no idea how gross it is. But i had that thing where i'm like "tomorrow i will be liquid fasting so it doesn't matter now" which is a crap mentality but i AM fasting tomorrow and i will post to make sure i stick to it! 


I digress. Here are a couple of the formal photos, baring in mind i am fatttt 

Anyway moving on. So now my next psych appointment has been moved to tuesday, as in YES like...five frigging days away. this is after these horrible binge days so i will be at least 55 disgusting kilos tomorrow, and i was 53 when i last saw him :( i have to lose two kilos!!!

So tomorrow working on english at home alone allll day, must make sure and i hope to god i just have liquids and i will post to make sure i stick to it. Then working saturday, sunday lunch out (salad) and maybe i should go out do some exercise. I have a plan, on monday i'm going to the beach with my friend and i'll say i'm getting dinner with them so perfect a fast from sunday night to tuesday night!! 48 hours here i come.

wish me luck cuz obviously i need it.

xx Claude

News and numbers!

So yesterday i 'found out' the big news. I am seven months off a baby brother or sister! Then my dad told his friends who came round and celebrated and they had a huge fight last night, apparently my step mum punched my dad and he drove off for a while...ahh the drama.

So i've done bugger all today, watched so many episodes of friends that even Ross is getting attractive. The bake off is this arvo and i'm totally pumped. My only problem is i really cannot afford to eat any of what we make or the ingredients. Sarah and I ( go my grammar) and making: a white chocolate mud cake with thick frosting around the outside and white choc lattices with spun caramel on top. Yep pretty much: butter, chocolate and oh would you like some cake with your butter? So yes no eating the left overs, licking the bowl of fat or eating the spare chocolate (someone tell me i can do it PLEASE! :)

Despite eating two huge servings of ice cream last night (ew) i was 53.9 this morning, so i've gone down from 55.5 two days ago thank the lord and baby jesus.

I've seriously had way too much fun thinking of ideas for dinner tonight. I went from a bowl of steamed veges with sweet chili sauce to macaroni cheese (low fat) to a weight watchers/lean cuisine meal (300+ cals) and now mushy peas (370 cals for half a kilo) with sweet chilli (50).

anyway i have to go clean Gustav and Olive's bowl (my hunky dory (pun :P) fish)

xx claude

Devastated.

I seriously thought this time it was for real, like i'd hardly been purgeing and really manageable bingeing and i had lost the most i had in ages but nooo. The last few days i have been in binge/purge city and unfortunately its been mostly binges. Every night this week i have gone to bed with a HUGE stomach that looks disgusting and woken up feeling sick because i'm still full of food!! this morning i am reverting back to my original diet thing of pancakes for breakfast and writing exactly whats in it down, even though i still feel full and sick. Yesterday was the worst, i started the day with a huge tub of bircher muesli, caramel slice, chocolate bars and went on to muffin, banana, yoghurt, sandwich (purged - finally) and then at home cereal X 1000 and bread. fml. anyway this morning i was 55.5 and to stop a nervous break down i am thinking that the laxatives i took yesterday will help and WHEN not if i do well today my weight will drop considerably and i will be all motivated and such. fat chance.

It just really sucks because i was happy at 53 kilos and i have my formal in SIX days! remember that size six dress?? yeah it doesn't bode well with a 55.5 kilo hefferlump. My dad got an exercise bike and it isn't as cool as i thought, it doesn't display calories burned so it must be a reallllly old model and ... its boring. I prefer running or wii fit.

so i really don't even want pancakes but then again i really must avoid a late night binge so i will. we just had all our exams so maybe i can blame it on that? i don't think so. Today we only have to go for one period - computers test yayy!

so plan for today. pancakes (vomit), diet coke diet coke with a side of pepsi max and citrus gum....dinner smoked salmon, ONE small potato, salad = 500 ?

better than 3500 fatty

anyway i doubt anyone read this cause i was just venting and yeah its not the most uplifting vent.
xx Claude

ahhh not the cycle

oh dear god. today was going fine, had an exam, flute lesson got home at 7pm without food not too bad. had homemade bread/chicken for dinner. could have stopped at that 600 calories but no, as soon as the parents were gone it was toast and bananas and yoghurt and purging and now i am full and bloated again and will have gained more weight AGAIN. i need that control back! i bet it was seeing the stupid psych guy, i always feel and get fat after that. i need to lose this weight!!
hellppppp

binge! wtf

ewewew i am typing over a huge distended stomach and everytime i breath my chest hearts. it looks like i'm pregnant. i feel disgustinggggg. i had this massive binge not triggered by anything cept maybe boredom  and purged but then had to finish cooking dinner for my family and i don't know why but i feel SO full.

AHH i hate me everyone should ignore this but i need to purge again which i can't so laxativeS? but i have my school cert and i can't be shitting in an exam scuse my crap (no pun) language

anyway going off to despise myself. will wake up tomorrow to a 55 kilogram plus mess

stuff me stuff my sucking at life and my eating
i could just disappear yes?
claude

Psych :(

So yesterday was horrible. i've been maintaing 300 cals or so, and in the middle of the day i was about 52.5 kilos, so a total of seven lost from last time i saw CT. He asks my dad and i both in, and it is totally awkward then my dad comes out with all this stuff i didn't know he realised "she counting calories, going for low caloric options (wtf?) she only wants salad and won't eat meat (i love chicken and fish! my bad i don't like a hunk of cow) and on and off the scales (how does he know this?!) and its having such an impact on us" yada yada. God i wish they would leave me alone! So then CT goes on about how much i eat in a day and i stupidly  told him how much i've been eating (like a typical day) in the past few weeks. The result? i have to go back in three weeks instead of three months. fml.


We went to japanese for dinner and i got: edamame (soy beans), miso and a seaweed salad. i know for next time not to get the soybeans, they are healthy with protein and shit but basically 200 calories :O that was all for yesterday.


Oh i think my dad was just trying to piss me off. Before seeing CT we went and did some shopping and it was meant to be soups for tonight right. and there are these lasagne's we used to get and he's like lets get one, but i know its at least four hundred calories so i was trying to be casual "we have heaps of stuff in the freezer, the soups will be fine" and then he goes to this other deli and picks up a beef pie!! for sunday dinner. and crumbed chicken, lamb chops and sausages EW! so on sunday i am debating whether to just suck up the pie and find a way to have a small piece with salad or get out of the house and go to dinner with my mother. both options suck. i don't know what the hell i'm going to do about all the meat...i'll have to peel the crumbs off somehow without looking 'anorexic' pfft.

grr. and now i have to go to work in an hour, and i have this crap mind set thats like "you need to eat a biggish breakfast before work or exams" like porridge, bran or soy pancakes but then again do i really need to? i'm not hungry and i had diet jelly so i'll see how today goes sans breakfast.

Ok i really need an opinion girls! the soups we picked up were: pumpkin, coconut and corriander OR white bean, bacon, chick peas. My only concern is the pumpkin one has coconut milk. what do you think is lower calories? there is an ingredient list for the bacon one which is alright but not for pumpkin... and i need to get out of slices of bread covered in butter to dip in the soup!! why is life so effing difficult?!

sorry for the major rant it just feels crap.
btw i am reading everyone's blogs, i just don't have much to contribute :P
xx claude

tonsilitis bitchs.

Haven't posted for a while mainly cuz i have viral tonsilitis. nah i've just been busy but that was way more interesting. I get tomorrow off school to recover (and freak out about psych appointment) and i really should do some study.... anyway this morning i was 52.9 kgs!!! thats a kilo down from my lowest weight a few days ago. i'm thinking it may be water weight so seeing what tomorrow brings. i have had a really painful throat which means i got away with soup for dinner tonight (total = 280 calories) and yesterday salad and veges. I had four small boiled potatoes right, sounds innocent. but noo over 200 calories without my knowledge!!!

anyway nothing interesting happening. tomorrow is psych, working all day saturday and all next week are exams. boo you whore :)

xx claude

Oh.My.God.

Holy crap. holycrapholycrapholycrap. I am having a total over reaction but still. holy crap.
My dad is overseas and my step mum went for a walk. and being the nosiest person in the world i went looking for junk food in her bedroom (not to eat just discover) and i knew they'd been wanting/thinking of having children. Then i found an ultrasound slip saying 'pregnant - due date check'... !!! :O 


I am going from an only child (not spoilt promise :) to a sister! I will be an aunt after all. but there is going to be a 16 year age gap. I'll be doing year 12 and be in uni when the kid is in kindergarten. I'll have to stick around now, not piss off. But omgomgomg how exciting! They are so lucky... i'm just going to chill with mixed emotions right now :)


xx Claude

Time for a change...

So again yesterday there was the late night binge/purge. This morning a big breakfast to 'break the cycle' but honestly, i can't see any unbroken cycle. Off to work in half an hour, that means nothing till dinner thank god and then i need to review meals etc. Like i feel i definitely binge more without breakfast but then i can still binge with breakfast. grrr!

Psych. appt on friday, and i don't want to go at all. Its at five so i can fast that day and if i'm back to minimum 54.0 then i'll be in the 53 range that day. Preferably i'd like to break the stupid 53.9 plateau.

On more exciting notes, i can drive (woot woot - only done 20 hours), i have my formal dress and nice teeth and my dad is in hong kong! Also i got my thankyou letter from the blood bank yada yada.

Just rambling some more.
xx Claude

Back on board bitchs.

So back to 53.9, my low weight in the past... year or so. Pretty much i have that really weak feeling, which is super annoying cuz i'm working tomorrow and stressing out that i won't make it through the day. Ergo, the plan today is to eat three low calorie meals and boost the metabolism/decrease want to binge and feel less faint-ish. I'm googling breakfast recipes and so far in the running are: bran pancakes or porridge. Lunch = salad and dinner = fish, pumpkin. around 800.

Yesterday managed to stick to breakfast (bran/milk/apple) and dinner (salad/soup) although i reckon it was high calories cuz they chopped peanuts and sprinkled them through. Honestly what is the  point of that? you end up not tasting it but it adds like a hundred calories. Grr. We saw 'The social network' and it was really good! :O

Anyway just checking in. Stay strong everyone. Goodluck Bella in your exams (:

much love xx Claude

Got to admit its getting better

ahh ily the Beatles. But seriously, i think i broke the vicious b/p cycle. Had breakfast this morning, because usually after a binge i fast and it continues. Anyway i had 1/2 cup bran + soy milk w/ vanilla and an apple. 250 calories at 7.30am. Now its 7.30 pm so an unintentional half day of fasting (not to be specific or anything).

Pumpkin soup for dinner (150) and i just have to avoid bread that goes with it. Total today will be.. 400. Also had my tennis lesson/comp. I'm just crapping on here.

Plan for the next few days : tomorrow driving lesson, movie and salad for dinner. Breakfast to continue the non-binges. Saturday: chillbang in bookshops with the gang, homework, avoid food. Sunday: dinner, don't have repeat of afternoon binge.

Anyway. thats it, i'm pretty boring today just reading everyone's blogs and procrastinating from english homework.

xx Claude

disgusting and gaining.

I know its kinda depressing to keep writing about how shit you've done..but it's the truth however crap. Honestly that was just a repeat of millions of past binges, go well during the day then sit down in front of the tv and eattttt. and then realise you're full and spend an hour with your head in the toilet and a torn bleeding throat. this is the pits.

sorry. Claude.

Binge :(

Damn, i just had such a bad binge i must have gained kilos and kilos. I feel i've lost all control and i'm terrified i won't get it back again. I bought a muffin at school, and that'd be alright but i got home and had :roll with peanut butter, chocolate/lollies, oats and banana with peanut butter. yuckyuckyuck. Tomorrow i better get my control back and i desparately hope it doesn't go back to the starve/binge/starve/binge. Because the past few weeks have been pretty good. AHHH i am so disgusting i can feel it in my stomach. I purged the oats but still have all that bread and chocolate and peanut butter and yuckkk. I don't deserve to be on this blog.

Fighting cravings the entire day.

Just when you think you've done it, you feel like yes your stomach has sufficiently shrunk and craving? whats that? They come back to bit you on the arse. Monday morning and i have my usual diet jelly, yay everything is good. Get to school and ALL i could think was: chocolatecookievanillacakewithfrostingchocolatebarpumpkinbreadbananamuffinsugarcarbsfatcalories. Then my friend was slicing her birthday cake and i had a piece, man was it the most orgasmic thing i've ever tasted. I went into binge mode and went to the canteen, seeing if they had any muffins left (the best things) but they were out. Now it seems like some kind of sign. I was planning to binge before flute, but i got a huge garden salad and diet coke woot.

Just had dinner, small bit of fish and diet jelly. Total calories : 530. Got my plate on, man i am an attractive beast. I still FEEL really fat though, bloated. I bet i've gained weight though i don't know how. Also period hasn't showed up yet... :/

xx Claude

Picture.

Notice the lack of a plural :) i could only get one half decent photo, i'll need the official photos from the night to show people properly. Now ignore the hefferlump inside the dress and try to imagine the nice colour without the crappy photobooth camera.

Anyway. i hope to be at my goal of 50 by then (bmi 18.3 ish) and i have...three weeks to get there.

xx Claude

Formal dress!

I've been so tired/boring and crabby that i've avoided posting even though there's much to tell. Yesterday we went formal dress shopping and that morning i was 53.9 kilos. That is actually really good for me, down from 59. I always seem to be losing weight in quick bursts and then putting it on again, but this has been slow and is wayy better. Anyway i digress. So we eventually found two amazing dresses, one from Cue and the other a Bettina Liano one shoulder thing. The Cue one is my formal dress (pictures coming soon!) and i'm happy because it's a very tight size six (US 2). The bettina liano is just as bloody tight but an 8. Oh well, motivation to make both a little looser.

Working today was a bitch. I think cuz i go to bed starving, i can't sleep. I seriously stared at recipes for pumpkin bread for hours last night. I think it'll be my obsession. Its been: pancakes, then muffins, bran muffins and now pumpkin bread...

Cooking dinner tonight, stir fry with haloumi and tofu. Should be about 250 calories (will calculate later) and breakfast was 2 bran muffins (170) and diet jelly (30). so 450 and maybe another bran muffin.

Just an update, will take photos when i don't feel half dead.

xx Claude

Ramblings of a ranga...

Wow. Just finished reading/taking in/replying to people, thankyou everyone for support/advice etc!

I'm bloody disappointed i'm not losing weight fast enough. Its been two weeks and i think i've gone down a kilo and a half or so. Only thing is, 'Aunt Flo/the painters' was due a week ago and i'm definitely not thin enough to lose my period, not pregnant or stressed so slightly worrying...

Also went to the doctor about the whole purging blood thing and i managed to get out of a colonoscopy but she totally scared the crap out of me, saying how vomiting is really high pressure on the gut, if it tears you can bleed out yada yada. If it happens again i'll have to go two hours away to a children's hospital (how condescending) to have it.

Completely irrational, but now i know that i'm back to the psychologist I feel like i need to lose weight so much quicker!! I think its because i want to feel proud, but also a tiny bit justify me being there, because honestly i don't think i even 'qualify' (if its something to aim for) an ED...


Deep and meaningful shit out of the way, i've kept my intake fairly consistent at 600 ish calories for the past few days. Also made  really delicious bran muffins. But the title does no justice to this concoction. I printed off practically a BOOK of low calorie muffins to examine at school (yes i dedicate my time to learning!) and created a mutt of muffins. Its apples folded through an oat/flour/bran base with mostly splenda, egg white, vanilla essence, cinnamon, ginger, maple syrup (diet), no fat ricotta (spoonful), apple puree, soy milk etc and then you make the top crunchy by putting oats/cinnamon on. Sounds complicated ish but you kinda chuck whatever you want in a bowl and the apples come out all soft etc. 90 calories or so per muffin. Woot :)

Now i've bored everyone to tears i should start on the pile of homework i meant to start two hours ago.

Also going formal dress shopping tomorrow! I hate shopping for dresses because they never look good on me, but at the same time i'm not working and it might be fun now i weigh five kilos less...




"People tend to make rules for themselves and exceptions for others"

xx Claude

Comments!

Wow so i'm probly going to sound incredibly ditzy, but I haven't even noticed any comments on my blog, and then wowza i stumble across the 'comments' (no shit sherlock) tab and there they all are! So after an upcoming dinner which will involve artichoke salad (250 - ew) i can read/respond to these lovely comments!

Full post later
xx Claude

unfair

You starve.
You binge.
You puke.
And you do everything to pretend you're ok.

Muffin obsession.

So it's official. I have a severely detrimental and decapitating muffin obsession. Today at school i bought the only orgasmic emty carb temptation they sell. Muffins, in the deliciously scrumptious flavour of apple and cinnamon. Blueberry was a tempting second. This is exactly what it looks like (aka 500 calories in a bomb of cakey goodness).


I was chill-banging at dads work because he is always late. Anyway i had hours of time to plow through websites of recipes, my latest craze. I found some truly orgasmic looking low calorie muffins, and i HAVE to make some, mainly because i just ate 2 of the small size muffins (180 cals each) my step mum made. This obsession with eating, looking at, smelling, cooking, thinking about muffins is getting crazy.



Anyway number one on the find-the-perfect-muffin quest is: Lemon ricotta cupcakes. It replaces oil with apple sauce, fat free ricotta, splenda yadiyada. anyway 250 calories for jumbo muffin or 125 for a small.




Oh god. i must go and peruse thousands of low calorie muffin recipes and pretend i'm eating them because oh.my.god i want a muffin badly. muffinmuffinmuffinmuffin.


xx Claude

Psychologists and physicians.

Had the appointment with my GP yesterday. God she's way to over the top, all 'ahh you should be a motivational speaker' blah blah. Yeah a motivational speaker for someone wanting to puke their guts up? oh the motivation! i think not.

I casually raised the question of 'so dad did we need to book into chris T?' (psychologist) and it turns out we do need to and i have an appointment in SIXTEEN days! I need to lose some weight!

On that topic, weightttt update. This morning i was 54.7, my lowest in a while but its certainly dropping vvvv gradually. I need to boost my weight loss. I think i'll go jogging, i lost my ipod but i guess thats some divine punishment...or maybe i'm just forgetful.

Anyway, so my bmi is justtt in the 19 range and by the time i see Chris T i want to be at least 52 kilos, and for it to be obvious.

Oh, i got my braces off and YAY i have straight teeth :)

Must get back to my ah-mazing diet pancakes

toods
xxclaude

The plan...Not so much.

The all day fast didn't go so well. Not badly, just not...a fast.


You know the saying 'wake up and smell the roses'? I woke up and smelt the ferrero rocher's. That's right bitchs. Smooth layers of crunchy chocolate disguising a smooth melted choc center. Did i resist? YES! did i fast? NO.

I decided to do the pancake thing again (getting a bit old) but amped them up with oats/flour etc etc on the brand spanking new fry-pan, which may i say is the BOMB. No need for margarine now thank the lord/baby jesus.


Went out with my mother, drove there and back (2 hours) so i'm a tad bit proud :) Also went to this massive book shop and i got 2 ED books; 'Insatiable' and 'perfect'. How exciting! On a slightly more sour/pungent note...i haven't practised my flute in a week and don't know anything for my sport test tomorrow. whatever. BRACES OFF TOMORROW! wow. crackers.

xx Claude

Action plan.

Yep thats right i am some crazed old gym instructor. Pretty much i need to shake things the f**k up! SO first an update.

Friday/saturday were the worst most horrible binges ever. I purged a couple times yesterday, but i'm sad to say it was to clear room for my food (yuckyuckyuckyuck). My weight this morning was 57. So it's gone up about 1.5 kilos...Not sure if i'm relieved its not more or disappointed. Pretty much I am due to have my period today or tomorrow so i should lose water weight. I guess the laxatives last night helped

Today i am going to 'lunch' with my mother, but really we're going to bookshops and movies, so i can say i had lunch and dinner with her. YES! i must do that more often.. Worked yesterday and for once i wasn't a grumpy bitch and actually worked an extra half hour. Still one six hour shift a week gives you what...sixty bucks? ohhh the riches! I'm meant to be studying now...bahaha.

Bought friends the box season for $120. How very exciting! Now i'm going to be a scabby friend and give the first 3 seasons to my best friend and sell the fourth for some diet coke. I really need my own ebay/amazon account...think of all the ED books, diet dr pepper and dvd's available! sigh...

Anyway my first fast in AGES is today. Even though i'm fasting its kinda like i've left that controlled state of small breakfast small lunch to binge/fast. So after fasting today i am definitely resuming the diet plan monday. Dad bought me this amazing fry pan that is 'virtually indestructible' bahaha. He's all like "Claudie can i use your pan?" and step-evilness is like 'Andrew. it's not her pan'. We exchanged meaningful looks behind her back :)

So. here's to fast today and chicken drumsticks tomorrow.

Stay strong lovelies.

xx Claude

Bloated and fat and disgusting.

Ew. I hate myself. I always seem to binge friday/weekend. It is the most uncomfortable feeling, being so full you feel inflated and sick (everyone knows the one). Right now i'm... sitting uncomfortably after things like cheesecake, pizza, pork buns, lollies and chocolate! This is bad even for me. Ew i really am the fattest most disgusting thing ever. I couldn't even purge at school. I fail at having a ED cuz i can't stick to a basic fricken diet!!!!

I will probly be like 60 kilos by tomorrow. or seventy or eighty or three hundred. yuck.

School, shit and sugar.

Oh what alliteration. Had my first lot of trials today, and they weren't too bad apart from sitting on my FAT arse for five hours! And there's another five hours of maths and science tomorrow. I'm kinda scaring myself sticking to this diet plan. Now i think my stomach must have shrunk at least a bit cuz i used to have a diet pepsi almost every break, so two or three at school and a couple in the arvo. Now i've had like one and i'm stuffed.

Last weekend i worked my usual 9-3 shift and i was SUCH a bitch. Like i had been following the diet, and i wasn't openly rude i just pretty much didn't talk unless someone asked me something. I must look like a real freak or stuck up bitch. So the plan-io this saturday is to eat more before my shift, then maybe i won't binge badly sunday and kick start my metabolism.

I've been googling low calorie rice pudding...it's kinda my favourite and was my binge food last weekend. I'm actually really excited, i can just use skim soy milk, splenda, egg white, cinnamon, vanilla essence and a couple tablespoons of rice. My only problemo is the rice. Anyone know how many calories are in a tablespoon or the best kind to use? According to yahoo its about twenty calories a tablespoon cooked... so altering an orginial recipe its:
- 2/3 skim soy milk (40)
- 30 grams uncooked rice (105)
- 1 Tbs sweetener (7)
- egg white (17)
- cinnamon and vanilla essence (15)
total = 184

omnomnom...

My weight was... 55.3 kilos today, and i can still feel food from the sunday binge in my stomach. gross. My step mum has made french onion soup for dinner, from a cook book that says 290 calories. I know she used my low cal margarine not butter, and if i avoid the crusty cheese/bread crap at the top that leaves just soup. I'll say 200 to be sure. 

Much love

xx Claude

what a shit day.

So left a party last night early, mainly cuz there was the most appetising array of food. Hate to get people cravings but there was a huge bowl of macaroni cheese, this amazing looking caesar/potato salad with creamy dressing bread crumbs potato eggs bacon.... Then less appetising, sausages but everyone was eating bread and butter! And homemade cupcakes with thick icing! Then this morning i woke up extremely sick and couldn't make it to the bathroom because it went black for so long. Probly something to do with having ten meatballs yesterday, going for a sprint-jog for twenty minutes and purging the meatballs.

Not sure what came into my head but i thought stuff being controlled for today and pretty much went for it. Started with some bananas and a mango while making rice pudding (with eggs and brown sugar) and eating hugee spoonfuls of peanut butter and honey. Think there was some bread in there. So i weighed at 55.7 which isn't bad. I think i must have been a bit over 54 this morning.

It's school tomorrow and i'm thinking i'll get up early to get back into the pancake-for-breakfast and small-dinner routine. Mondays are always the worst of my week, not to complain (which is kinda what i'm doing) but pretty much I spend an hour on the bus then have a horrible day of maths and science then wait an hour and a half for flute choir then a flute lesson. Get back at seven and can't make dinner, so it's usually some crappy taco thing. Tomorrow i think it's mussels...

Over and out
xx Claude

Everything smells way to good!

Still succeeding at this diet that started last week, which has resulted in my weight going from 59 - 55 ish, which is the most i've lost for a long time (sad but true) and this is definitely the most control i've been in since my ED started (haven't purged in two weeks woot). The only bad thing is the SMELLS. for instance, tonight i was indirectly banned from cooking dinner, i think the 'rents suspect after i've demanded to cook the whole week. So i had to sabotage because the menu was PORK and BEEF meat balls and i insisted on no olive oil and using ultra light marg but still there was probly about... eight tablespoons used!! anyway when my dad was out of the room i drained them as much as possible and drained the onion that was coated in fat. But yeah i made salad and filled my plate with that and two of the balls but they smelt soooo good. Thats the only thing i hate. the feeling of missing out on all this amazing food, and for some reason when you're bingeing or eating normally, food all starts to taste the same but when you're starving everything smells...intoxicating. Obviously i'm just raving, mainly because i can still smell meatballs and the glass of diet green tea mineral water is just not that appetizing.

Anyway i'm working tomorrow 9-3 so back into the schedule, the a party 5-10. have to decide whether i want dinner (bombay potatoes - 200) at like 4.30 or skip. I'm working the same sunday so probly will have dinner.

I've barely started studying for my trials second day back, and with two days till school i don't exactly have time so stuff it. As soon as school restarts we'll go back to the usual, frightful dinner routine (a mix of taco's, lasagne and oily meat/vegges - impossible to avoid and eventually a lead into full on all day non stop bingeing! - i should move back with my mother...).

Anyway of too watch black books which is possibly the best show since diet coke was invented.
xx Claude

BMI is going down.

I weighed again and i'm down from 56.4 to 55.7 kilos or 123 to 122 pounds. I'm so happy it isn't just water weight that i'm losing. I'm starting to stress majorly about going back to school and having this new routine disturbed. I'm thinking i can still make the 200 cal pancakes in the morning, and take 2 cans of pepsi max to school and no money that way i won't buy from the canteen. Only downside is that it's school certificate and even now at home i can't concentrate enough to study.

When i get back to my hectic routine (flute, tennis, work) then i'm sure i'll just go back to bingeing and purging and gain back all the weigh i've lost.

Anyway, toodles
xx Claude

Finally!

Hi everyone in blog land. So you know that feeling where you wake up and your heart is beating realllly loud in your chest and you feel totally hollow and weak but kind of amazing at the same time? Finally I haven't woken up feeling full!! And then i weighed and i'd lost 3 pounds since yesterday. I know it's most likely just water weight but still. Working through lunch for half a week really gets you into a pattern of early breakfast and dinner with nothing in between. So not exactly progress but went from 126 to 123.

Whats great is that i have everyone's blogs to stalk, which is a complete trigger. The plan i follow when i'm working from 9am- afternoon is a big breakfast of pancakes, 200 calories (1/3 cup flour, 1/3 cup skim milk, vanilla essence, ginger, cinnamon, egg white, splenda) and then dinner, which i'm trying to make for my family (tonight steamed chicken breast) or go out for (last night artichoke & mushroom salad). I still have that on-edge feeling of oh-know-i'm-going-to-binge!!

Today i have thirty bucks to go grocery shopping (my favourite thing, slightly sad but what of it) and then i'm going to invest in friends season three.
Giving blood on thursday, and they say not to come in on an empty stomach, which is fine but then afterwards they force on you milkshakes and biscuits! My friend said she didn't want anything yet she still got milkshakes and biscuits. Also they weigh you. Boo.

Anyway. Gotta get ready for the day aka put on some eyeliner. I should really do some exercise tomorrow...

xx Claude

Buggered. preparing for more buggerdom

Gearing up for three straight days of work. Had an 11-4 shift today, then she gave me a pay rise (eek) and asked me to stay an extra hour, so i couldn't exactly say no! Tomorrow and sunday i'm on 9-3 and monday 9-4. So a total of 25 hours and $250. woot woot. 


But yeah. even after one shift my feet are completely stuffed and i have NO idea how i'll get through work tomorrow. especially cuz i don't eat there, like today i ate a 300 cal breakfast at 10.30 then dinner at 7.30, nothing in between. Also i'm really annoyed cuz i just started this job but already my boss is like 'are you sure you're not going to eat something, you have to eat eventually' yada yada. But at least i'm definiely in the 57 range. and i measure over 166 (169 but i think it was wrong measuring). so bmi like 20 something. still very shameful. I'm hoping after this week of working (monday) i'll be at least 56, maybe 55. 


Then giving blood thursday and having driving lessons, so thats another day taken. Also tuesday at the movies, always good to have two hours out of the way. 


So plan for tomorrow
- wake at 7.30 and make breakfast while watching friends
- breakfast recipe: pancakes (1/2 cup flour, 1/2 skim milk, egg white, splenda, cinnamon)
- Go to work at 9 and drink pepsi max (caffeine) on the way. 
- scab a couple diet drinks at work and sip throughout. 
- get present for friends party after work and salad
- friends come over at 4. DON"T BINGE. 
- maybe go out on the beach?
- try on dress's and flaunt nearly-there-ribs
- make dinner (ravioli, a few pieces for me and salad)
- total calories: 300 breakfast, sugar free jelly, 200 dinner = 550)

Nutrition
- egg whites, sweet chilli sauce 100
- low cal blueberry bread 300
- chicken mince (small amount), side pasta, peas,corn 350
Total: 750

xx Claude

Don't you hate parent bombshells...

Guten arven!

So a few weeks ago (actually one week and three days to be precise) I found myself in the food court after school and a day that was full of bingeing. I'd just had a maccas sundae, burger, chips. I NEVER eat fast food but a calorie is a calorie, no matter if it's an apple or six chips. Anyway i was stuffed so made my way to the bathroom and promptly puked up the food. I may have mentioned it, i started vomitting blood not the usual trail or red in spit but tablespoons of bright red. I rang my dad (who's a doctor) and little did i know my stepmother was in the car and i was on speakerphone!

My parents divorce was finalised yesterday and apparently my step mum has worked up my dad and the lawyer saying i am fatally ill vomiting blood and bingeing and purging every other day! total bollocks but i get she is worried. If i could give this eating shit up i would, in an instant.

So i'm booked into my old psychologist and a GP appointment who will tell me if i need an endoscopy! it sounds dramatic cuz it IS! a week and a half of nothing, i've purged only once and now i might have some friggin gut problem and two appointments when i had everyone nicely convinced that i was cured! eh i hate my luck.

On the UPSIDE (not) i am working tomorrow 11-4, saturday 9-3 and sunday 9-3. At least i can say that i'm having lunch at work and possibly make dinner tomorrow and saturday..

Went to lunch with my mother today, first time we've done something in months. When i'm with her i can really feel myself slipping back into wanting to starve and control. took some crappy mobile pics under the delusion that my stomach looked flatter.

Nutrition
- black jelly beans (alot!) 500
- scallops (3) with fancy beetroot/pea/salad 500
- small amount pizza (homemade) with salad 400
Total: around 1400

Heaps but whatever. I've lost since yesterday (three pounds!) even though it's period weight being lost.

XX Claude

Control

 

Heyhey. So had my birthday bash, which was FANTASTIC. This great venue with a lounge area, a bar, a deck, bathrooms and a huge dance floor. The DJ was great, everyone came (40 people or so) and had a good time. Then my gang came home and we spent hours opening up all forty presents (and yes i'm aware i sound like a stupid schoolgirl - which i am). I got over four hundred bucks in money and shopping vouchers (score) and two FISH! woot. they're called Gustav and Olive. And a couple seasons of friends which i'm currently addicted to.

Anyway had a huge cupcake. Very tempting, very nice, very moist, very amazing. Very given away to my friends.

The next day was my actual birthday and i had to work, then went out with my mum. ate a lil bit too much and same with the next two days. Though i did go to the beach and exposed my huge legs and stomach. I'll post a picture just as a 'before'

Anyway, today i've finally started to get some control.

Nutrition

-cereal with watery milk and fruit 350

-half skim caramel latte 100

-fruit salad and berry fruit 250

-rissoles with peas 400

total: 1100

So obviously not complete control but better than a 2000 calorie binge.

I kinda miss my stomach lining...

So haven't posted in a while, mainly cuz i'm too ashamed! As always, I've just (i think) gotten over the seriously heinous bingeing stage. Thank the lord and baby jesus. But it has had serious repercussions. For one i've gained like two kilos (five pounds) and i can't look at photos of myself without wanting to vomit. I went in the sydney bridge run, which was four and a half kilometres and i did it in 25 minutes. As you can see my fitness is also suffering from my recent binges! The morning of the run we were at a hotel after seeing jet and powderfinger (amazing) and I had sworn to have a super healthy breakfast after our midnight tim tam run. Cuz it was a buffet there were alot of healthier options, but typically i had to much. SO whilst it was mostly muesli, poached eggs and toast i ate way too much. Then got home and had this disgusting chicken wrap and binged, tried but failed to purge. Yesterday after school had a maccas binge and for the first time in four years brought up an obvious amount of blood, which needless to say is worrying.

Probly why i have been almost terrified of bingeing again, had half my dinner last night and a coffee and protein bar today (6pm). Oh well might make me lose weight finally.

Also have entered this writing competition just for fun, but the lady from the ABC wrote back and said she liked it. http://heywire.abc.net.au/_The-truth-about-our-history/blog/2646077/13362.html

My birthday is on sunday, and i'm working the whole day how typical. But my party is on saturday and i really wanted to lose some friggin weight for the dress i bought and to feel confident, and only have...four days left so that won't happen. My step mum is making chinese for dinner, dunno how i'll weasel my way out of that.

Finally some pictures (that probly don't do justice to how fat i've become but whatevs)

Nutrition today

- Caramel latte, large, skim 250

- Choc protein 'bulk' bar 220

total: 470

Days till party:4

Days till birthday:5

Days till holidays:3

caffeine high bitchezzz

Wowww my mind is floating. red bull (my life) combined with skinny caramel latte and pepsi max's = one jittery chick!


I worked yesterday then went to the city for dinner and got home at 1 and had to work again this morning! very unfair.
More weird was i went to sign up at the video shop and the guy is my pe teachers brother (she knows about my ED unfortunately through the school. awkward.) and then i ran into her when i hired a video! strange.
anyway i have become a protein addict. 
my english is over YAY. i'm seeing powderfinger saturday night and jet!! Doing the bridge run sunday. Finally started to lose a bit of weight, and 'the painters are in' wink wink so hopefully lose some of the disgusting bloating/water weight. haven't done my flute practise or chem assignment. whatever.
this is just me writing down everything, how interesting. extremely excited to read my 'NW' that has a free diet book and watch friends and make my friends birthday cake and dinner. joy!

nutrition 
-2 slimright 'full' shakes 350
-skinny caramel latte 150
-protein fix peppermint 240
total: 740

still to come: diet jelly, dinner (bean mash w/ lean mince) = add 350

day total: 1090

days till powderfinger: 6
days till maths: 7
days till party: 13