Oh.My.God.

Holy crap. holycrapholycrapholycrap. I am having a total over reaction but still. holy crap.
My dad is overseas and my step mum went for a walk. and being the nosiest person in the world i went looking for junk food in her bedroom (not to eat just discover) and i knew they'd been wanting/thinking of having children. Then i found an ultrasound slip saying 'pregnant - due date check'... !!! :O 


I am going from an only child (not spoilt promise :) to a sister! I will be an aunt after all. but there is going to be a 16 year age gap. I'll be doing year 12 and be in uni when the kid is in kindergarten. I'll have to stick around now, not piss off. But omgomgomg how exciting! They are so lucky... i'm just going to chill with mixed emotions right now :)


xx Claude

Time for a change...

So again yesterday there was the late night binge/purge. This morning a big breakfast to 'break the cycle' but honestly, i can't see any unbroken cycle. Off to work in half an hour, that means nothing till dinner thank god and then i need to review meals etc. Like i feel i definitely binge more without breakfast but then i can still binge with breakfast. grrr!

Psych. appt on friday, and i don't want to go at all. Its at five so i can fast that day and if i'm back to minimum 54.0 then i'll be in the 53 range that day. Preferably i'd like to break the stupid 53.9 plateau.

On more exciting notes, i can drive (woot woot - only done 20 hours), i have my formal dress and nice teeth and my dad is in hong kong! Also i got my thankyou letter from the blood bank yada yada.

Just rambling some more.
xx Claude

Back on board bitchs.

So back to 53.9, my low weight in the past... year or so. Pretty much i have that really weak feeling, which is super annoying cuz i'm working tomorrow and stressing out that i won't make it through the day. Ergo, the plan today is to eat three low calorie meals and boost the metabolism/decrease want to binge and feel less faint-ish. I'm googling breakfast recipes and so far in the running are: bran pancakes or porridge. Lunch = salad and dinner = fish, pumpkin. around 800.

Yesterday managed to stick to breakfast (bran/milk/apple) and dinner (salad/soup) although i reckon it was high calories cuz they chopped peanuts and sprinkled them through. Honestly what is the  point of that? you end up not tasting it but it adds like a hundred calories. Grr. We saw 'The social network' and it was really good! :O

Anyway just checking in. Stay strong everyone. Goodluck Bella in your exams (:

much love xx Claude

Got to admit its getting better

ahh ily the Beatles. But seriously, i think i broke the vicious b/p cycle. Had breakfast this morning, because usually after a binge i fast and it continues. Anyway i had 1/2 cup bran + soy milk w/ vanilla and an apple. 250 calories at 7.30am. Now its 7.30 pm so an unintentional half day of fasting (not to be specific or anything).

Pumpkin soup for dinner (150) and i just have to avoid bread that goes with it. Total today will be.. 400. Also had my tennis lesson/comp. I'm just crapping on here.

Plan for the next few days : tomorrow driving lesson, movie and salad for dinner. Breakfast to continue the non-binges. Saturday: chillbang in bookshops with the gang, homework, avoid food. Sunday: dinner, don't have repeat of afternoon binge.

Anyway. thats it, i'm pretty boring today just reading everyone's blogs and procrastinating from english homework.

xx Claude

disgusting and gaining.

I know its kinda depressing to keep writing about how shit you've done..but it's the truth however crap. Honestly that was just a repeat of millions of past binges, go well during the day then sit down in front of the tv and eattttt. and then realise you're full and spend an hour with your head in the toilet and a torn bleeding throat. this is the pits.

sorry. Claude.

Binge :(

Damn, i just had such a bad binge i must have gained kilos and kilos. I feel i've lost all control and i'm terrified i won't get it back again. I bought a muffin at school, and that'd be alright but i got home and had :roll with peanut butter, chocolate/lollies, oats and banana with peanut butter. yuckyuckyuck. Tomorrow i better get my control back and i desparately hope it doesn't go back to the starve/binge/starve/binge. Because the past few weeks have been pretty good. AHHH i am so disgusting i can feel it in my stomach. I purged the oats but still have all that bread and chocolate and peanut butter and yuckkk. I don't deserve to be on this blog.

Fighting cravings the entire day.

Just when you think you've done it, you feel like yes your stomach has sufficiently shrunk and craving? whats that? They come back to bit you on the arse. Monday morning and i have my usual diet jelly, yay everything is good. Get to school and ALL i could think was: chocolatecookievanillacakewithfrostingchocolatebarpumpkinbreadbananamuffinsugarcarbsfatcalories. Then my friend was slicing her birthday cake and i had a piece, man was it the most orgasmic thing i've ever tasted. I went into binge mode and went to the canteen, seeing if they had any muffins left (the best things) but they were out. Now it seems like some kind of sign. I was planning to binge before flute, but i got a huge garden salad and diet coke woot.

Just had dinner, small bit of fish and diet jelly. Total calories : 530. Got my plate on, man i am an attractive beast. I still FEEL really fat though, bloated. I bet i've gained weight though i don't know how. Also period hasn't showed up yet... :/

xx Claude

Picture.

Notice the lack of a plural :) i could only get one half decent photo, i'll need the official photos from the night to show people properly. Now ignore the hefferlump inside the dress and try to imagine the nice colour without the crappy photobooth camera.

Anyway. i hope to be at my goal of 50 by then (bmi 18.3 ish) and i have...three weeks to get there.

xx Claude

Formal dress!

I've been so tired/boring and crabby that i've avoided posting even though there's much to tell. Yesterday we went formal dress shopping and that morning i was 53.9 kilos. That is actually really good for me, down from 59. I always seem to be losing weight in quick bursts and then putting it on again, but this has been slow and is wayy better. Anyway i digress. So we eventually found two amazing dresses, one from Cue and the other a Bettina Liano one shoulder thing. The Cue one is my formal dress (pictures coming soon!) and i'm happy because it's a very tight size six (US 2). The bettina liano is just as bloody tight but an 8. Oh well, motivation to make both a little looser.

Working today was a bitch. I think cuz i go to bed starving, i can't sleep. I seriously stared at recipes for pumpkin bread for hours last night. I think it'll be my obsession. Its been: pancakes, then muffins, bran muffins and now pumpkin bread...

Cooking dinner tonight, stir fry with haloumi and tofu. Should be about 250 calories (will calculate later) and breakfast was 2 bran muffins (170) and diet jelly (30). so 450 and maybe another bran muffin.

Just an update, will take photos when i don't feel half dead.

xx Claude

Ramblings of a ranga...

Wow. Just finished reading/taking in/replying to people, thankyou everyone for support/advice etc!

I'm bloody disappointed i'm not losing weight fast enough. Its been two weeks and i think i've gone down a kilo and a half or so. Only thing is, 'Aunt Flo/the painters' was due a week ago and i'm definitely not thin enough to lose my period, not pregnant or stressed so slightly worrying...

Also went to the doctor about the whole purging blood thing and i managed to get out of a colonoscopy but she totally scared the crap out of me, saying how vomiting is really high pressure on the gut, if it tears you can bleed out yada yada. If it happens again i'll have to go two hours away to a children's hospital (how condescending) to have it.

Completely irrational, but now i know that i'm back to the psychologist I feel like i need to lose weight so much quicker!! I think its because i want to feel proud, but also a tiny bit justify me being there, because honestly i don't think i even 'qualify' (if its something to aim for) an ED...


Deep and meaningful shit out of the way, i've kept my intake fairly consistent at 600 ish calories for the past few days. Also made  really delicious bran muffins. But the title does no justice to this concoction. I printed off practically a BOOK of low calorie muffins to examine at school (yes i dedicate my time to learning!) and created a mutt of muffins. Its apples folded through an oat/flour/bran base with mostly splenda, egg white, vanilla essence, cinnamon, ginger, maple syrup (diet), no fat ricotta (spoonful), apple puree, soy milk etc and then you make the top crunchy by putting oats/cinnamon on. Sounds complicated ish but you kinda chuck whatever you want in a bowl and the apples come out all soft etc. 90 calories or so per muffin. Woot :)

Now i've bored everyone to tears i should start on the pile of homework i meant to start two hours ago.

Also going formal dress shopping tomorrow! I hate shopping for dresses because they never look good on me, but at the same time i'm not working and it might be fun now i weigh five kilos less...




"People tend to make rules for themselves and exceptions for others"

xx Claude

Comments!

Wow so i'm probly going to sound incredibly ditzy, but I haven't even noticed any comments on my blog, and then wowza i stumble across the 'comments' (no shit sherlock) tab and there they all are! So after an upcoming dinner which will involve artichoke salad (250 - ew) i can read/respond to these lovely comments!

Full post later
xx Claude

unfair

You starve.
You binge.
You puke.
And you do everything to pretend you're ok.

Muffin obsession.

So it's official. I have a severely detrimental and decapitating muffin obsession. Today at school i bought the only orgasmic emty carb temptation they sell. Muffins, in the deliciously scrumptious flavour of apple and cinnamon. Blueberry was a tempting second. This is exactly what it looks like (aka 500 calories in a bomb of cakey goodness).


I was chill-banging at dads work because he is always late. Anyway i had hours of time to plow through websites of recipes, my latest craze. I found some truly orgasmic looking low calorie muffins, and i HAVE to make some, mainly because i just ate 2 of the small size muffins (180 cals each) my step mum made. This obsession with eating, looking at, smelling, cooking, thinking about muffins is getting crazy.



Anyway number one on the find-the-perfect-muffin quest is: Lemon ricotta cupcakes. It replaces oil with apple sauce, fat free ricotta, splenda yadiyada. anyway 250 calories for jumbo muffin or 125 for a small.




Oh god. i must go and peruse thousands of low calorie muffin recipes and pretend i'm eating them because oh.my.god i want a muffin badly. muffinmuffinmuffinmuffin.


xx Claude

Psychologists and physicians.

Had the appointment with my GP yesterday. God she's way to over the top, all 'ahh you should be a motivational speaker' blah blah. Yeah a motivational speaker for someone wanting to puke their guts up? oh the motivation! i think not.

I casually raised the question of 'so dad did we need to book into chris T?' (psychologist) and it turns out we do need to and i have an appointment in SIXTEEN days! I need to lose some weight!

On that topic, weightttt update. This morning i was 54.7, my lowest in a while but its certainly dropping vvvv gradually. I need to boost my weight loss. I think i'll go jogging, i lost my ipod but i guess thats some divine punishment...or maybe i'm just forgetful.

Anyway, so my bmi is justtt in the 19 range and by the time i see Chris T i want to be at least 52 kilos, and for it to be obvious.

Oh, i got my braces off and YAY i have straight teeth :)

Must get back to my ah-mazing diet pancakes

toods
xxclaude

The plan...Not so much.

The all day fast didn't go so well. Not badly, just not...a fast.


You know the saying 'wake up and smell the roses'? I woke up and smelt the ferrero rocher's. That's right bitchs. Smooth layers of crunchy chocolate disguising a smooth melted choc center. Did i resist? YES! did i fast? NO.

I decided to do the pancake thing again (getting a bit old) but amped them up with oats/flour etc etc on the brand spanking new fry-pan, which may i say is the BOMB. No need for margarine now thank the lord/baby jesus.


Went out with my mother, drove there and back (2 hours) so i'm a tad bit proud :) Also went to this massive book shop and i got 2 ED books; 'Insatiable' and 'perfect'. How exciting! On a slightly more sour/pungent note...i haven't practised my flute in a week and don't know anything for my sport test tomorrow. whatever. BRACES OFF TOMORROW! wow. crackers.

xx Claude

Action plan.

Yep thats right i am some crazed old gym instructor. Pretty much i need to shake things the f**k up! SO first an update.

Friday/saturday were the worst most horrible binges ever. I purged a couple times yesterday, but i'm sad to say it was to clear room for my food (yuckyuckyuckyuck). My weight this morning was 57. So it's gone up about 1.5 kilos...Not sure if i'm relieved its not more or disappointed. Pretty much I am due to have my period today or tomorrow so i should lose water weight. I guess the laxatives last night helped

Today i am going to 'lunch' with my mother, but really we're going to bookshops and movies, so i can say i had lunch and dinner with her. YES! i must do that more often.. Worked yesterday and for once i wasn't a grumpy bitch and actually worked an extra half hour. Still one six hour shift a week gives you what...sixty bucks? ohhh the riches! I'm meant to be studying now...bahaha.

Bought friends the box season for $120. How very exciting! Now i'm going to be a scabby friend and give the first 3 seasons to my best friend and sell the fourth for some diet coke. I really need my own ebay/amazon account...think of all the ED books, diet dr pepper and dvd's available! sigh...

Anyway my first fast in AGES is today. Even though i'm fasting its kinda like i've left that controlled state of small breakfast small lunch to binge/fast. So after fasting today i am definitely resuming the diet plan monday. Dad bought me this amazing fry pan that is 'virtually indestructible' bahaha. He's all like "Claudie can i use your pan?" and step-evilness is like 'Andrew. it's not her pan'. We exchanged meaningful looks behind her back :)

So. here's to fast today and chicken drumsticks tomorrow.

Stay strong lovelies.

xx Claude

Bloated and fat and disgusting.

Ew. I hate myself. I always seem to binge friday/weekend. It is the most uncomfortable feeling, being so full you feel inflated and sick (everyone knows the one). Right now i'm... sitting uncomfortably after things like cheesecake, pizza, pork buns, lollies and chocolate! This is bad even for me. Ew i really am the fattest most disgusting thing ever. I couldn't even purge at school. I fail at having a ED cuz i can't stick to a basic fricken diet!!!!

I will probly be like 60 kilos by tomorrow. or seventy or eighty or three hundred. yuck.

School, shit and sugar.

Oh what alliteration. Had my first lot of trials today, and they weren't too bad apart from sitting on my FAT arse for five hours! And there's another five hours of maths and science tomorrow. I'm kinda scaring myself sticking to this diet plan. Now i think my stomach must have shrunk at least a bit cuz i used to have a diet pepsi almost every break, so two or three at school and a couple in the arvo. Now i've had like one and i'm stuffed.

Last weekend i worked my usual 9-3 shift and i was SUCH a bitch. Like i had been following the diet, and i wasn't openly rude i just pretty much didn't talk unless someone asked me something. I must look like a real freak or stuck up bitch. So the plan-io this saturday is to eat more before my shift, then maybe i won't binge badly sunday and kick start my metabolism.

I've been googling low calorie rice pudding...it's kinda my favourite and was my binge food last weekend. I'm actually really excited, i can just use skim soy milk, splenda, egg white, cinnamon, vanilla essence and a couple tablespoons of rice. My only problemo is the rice. Anyone know how many calories are in a tablespoon or the best kind to use? According to yahoo its about twenty calories a tablespoon cooked... so altering an orginial recipe its:
- 2/3 skim soy milk (40)
- 30 grams uncooked rice (105)
- 1 Tbs sweetener (7)
- egg white (17)
- cinnamon and vanilla essence (15)
total = 184

omnomnom...

My weight was... 55.3 kilos today, and i can still feel food from the sunday binge in my stomach. gross. My step mum has made french onion soup for dinner, from a cook book that says 290 calories. I know she used my low cal margarine not butter, and if i avoid the crusty cheese/bread crap at the top that leaves just soup. I'll say 200 to be sure. 

Much love

xx Claude

what a shit day.

So left a party last night early, mainly cuz there was the most appetising array of food. Hate to get people cravings but there was a huge bowl of macaroni cheese, this amazing looking caesar/potato salad with creamy dressing bread crumbs potato eggs bacon.... Then less appetising, sausages but everyone was eating bread and butter! And homemade cupcakes with thick icing! Then this morning i woke up extremely sick and couldn't make it to the bathroom because it went black for so long. Probly something to do with having ten meatballs yesterday, going for a sprint-jog for twenty minutes and purging the meatballs.

Not sure what came into my head but i thought stuff being controlled for today and pretty much went for it. Started with some bananas and a mango while making rice pudding (with eggs and brown sugar) and eating hugee spoonfuls of peanut butter and honey. Think there was some bread in there. So i weighed at 55.7 which isn't bad. I think i must have been a bit over 54 this morning.

It's school tomorrow and i'm thinking i'll get up early to get back into the pancake-for-breakfast and small-dinner routine. Mondays are always the worst of my week, not to complain (which is kinda what i'm doing) but pretty much I spend an hour on the bus then have a horrible day of maths and science then wait an hour and a half for flute choir then a flute lesson. Get back at seven and can't make dinner, so it's usually some crappy taco thing. Tomorrow i think it's mussels...

Over and out
xx Claude

Everything smells way to good!

Still succeeding at this diet that started last week, which has resulted in my weight going from 59 - 55 ish, which is the most i've lost for a long time (sad but true) and this is definitely the most control i've been in since my ED started (haven't purged in two weeks woot). The only bad thing is the SMELLS. for instance, tonight i was indirectly banned from cooking dinner, i think the 'rents suspect after i've demanded to cook the whole week. So i had to sabotage because the menu was PORK and BEEF meat balls and i insisted on no olive oil and using ultra light marg but still there was probly about... eight tablespoons used!! anyway when my dad was out of the room i drained them as much as possible and drained the onion that was coated in fat. But yeah i made salad and filled my plate with that and two of the balls but they smelt soooo good. Thats the only thing i hate. the feeling of missing out on all this amazing food, and for some reason when you're bingeing or eating normally, food all starts to taste the same but when you're starving everything smells...intoxicating. Obviously i'm just raving, mainly because i can still smell meatballs and the glass of diet green tea mineral water is just not that appetizing.

Anyway i'm working tomorrow 9-3 so back into the schedule, the a party 5-10. have to decide whether i want dinner (bombay potatoes - 200) at like 4.30 or skip. I'm working the same sunday so probly will have dinner.

I've barely started studying for my trials second day back, and with two days till school i don't exactly have time so stuff it. As soon as school restarts we'll go back to the usual, frightful dinner routine (a mix of taco's, lasagne and oily meat/vegges - impossible to avoid and eventually a lead into full on all day non stop bingeing! - i should move back with my mother...).

Anyway of too watch black books which is possibly the best show since diet coke was invented.
xx Claude

BMI is going down.

I weighed again and i'm down from 56.4 to 55.7 kilos or 123 to 122 pounds. I'm so happy it isn't just water weight that i'm losing. I'm starting to stress majorly about going back to school and having this new routine disturbed. I'm thinking i can still make the 200 cal pancakes in the morning, and take 2 cans of pepsi max to school and no money that way i won't buy from the canteen. Only downside is that it's school certificate and even now at home i can't concentrate enough to study.

When i get back to my hectic routine (flute, tennis, work) then i'm sure i'll just go back to bingeing and purging and gain back all the weigh i've lost.

Anyway, toodles
xx Claude

Finally!

Hi everyone in blog land. So you know that feeling where you wake up and your heart is beating realllly loud in your chest and you feel totally hollow and weak but kind of amazing at the same time? Finally I haven't woken up feeling full!! And then i weighed and i'd lost 3 pounds since yesterday. I know it's most likely just water weight but still. Working through lunch for half a week really gets you into a pattern of early breakfast and dinner with nothing in between. So not exactly progress but went from 126 to 123.

Whats great is that i have everyone's blogs to stalk, which is a complete trigger. The plan i follow when i'm working from 9am- afternoon is a big breakfast of pancakes, 200 calories (1/3 cup flour, 1/3 cup skim milk, vanilla essence, ginger, cinnamon, egg white, splenda) and then dinner, which i'm trying to make for my family (tonight steamed chicken breast) or go out for (last night artichoke & mushroom salad). I still have that on-edge feeling of oh-know-i'm-going-to-binge!!

Today i have thirty bucks to go grocery shopping (my favourite thing, slightly sad but what of it) and then i'm going to invest in friends season three.
Giving blood on thursday, and they say not to come in on an empty stomach, which is fine but then afterwards they force on you milkshakes and biscuits! My friend said she didn't want anything yet she still got milkshakes and biscuits. Also they weigh you. Boo.

Anyway. Gotta get ready for the day aka put on some eyeliner. I should really do some exercise tomorrow...

xx Claude

Buggered. preparing for more buggerdom

Gearing up for three straight days of work. Had an 11-4 shift today, then she gave me a pay rise (eek) and asked me to stay an extra hour, so i couldn't exactly say no! Tomorrow and sunday i'm on 9-3 and monday 9-4. So a total of 25 hours and $250. woot woot. 


But yeah. even after one shift my feet are completely stuffed and i have NO idea how i'll get through work tomorrow. especially cuz i don't eat there, like today i ate a 300 cal breakfast at 10.30 then dinner at 7.30, nothing in between. Also i'm really annoyed cuz i just started this job but already my boss is like 'are you sure you're not going to eat something, you have to eat eventually' yada yada. But at least i'm definiely in the 57 range. and i measure over 166 (169 but i think it was wrong measuring). so bmi like 20 something. still very shameful. I'm hoping after this week of working (monday) i'll be at least 56, maybe 55. 


Then giving blood thursday and having driving lessons, so thats another day taken. Also tuesday at the movies, always good to have two hours out of the way. 


So plan for tomorrow
- wake at 7.30 and make breakfast while watching friends
- breakfast recipe: pancakes (1/2 cup flour, 1/2 skim milk, egg white, splenda, cinnamon)
- Go to work at 9 and drink pepsi max (caffeine) on the way. 
- scab a couple diet drinks at work and sip throughout. 
- get present for friends party after work and salad
- friends come over at 4. DON"T BINGE. 
- maybe go out on the beach?
- try on dress's and flaunt nearly-there-ribs
- make dinner (ravioli, a few pieces for me and salad)
- total calories: 300 breakfast, sugar free jelly, 200 dinner = 550)

Nutrition
- egg whites, sweet chilli sauce 100
- low cal blueberry bread 300
- chicken mince (small amount), side pasta, peas,corn 350
Total: 750

xx Claude