Most awkward thing since white bread.

So I have this awesome boyfriend (i know i sound about ten but whatever) and we have been friends slash talk-every-day for about four years, and now its been a month and because we've known each other for ever it;s like BAM full on relationship. anyway yesterday we were hanging the whole day and he said the cutest thing, wait for it;..... "Claude it might be too early but...I think i love you a lil bit" :D

anyway we're perfect in like all those kinds of ways, except we were going to have sex (again the ten year old thing) and we're both virgins, and it did not go well. as in it didn't work.... painful etc etc stopped us so yeah...

The other more sinister benefit of having a boyfriend is i'm distracted the whole day, for instance yesterday and today i bascally have had breakfast and dinner and nothing in between, and i'm not even focussed on it, t'is lovely!

Also last part of Harry Potter tomorrow, can not even begin to exemplify how exciting it will be. Getting dressed in hogwarts skirts, blouses, ties and robes, gonna be soo hot. Casual midnight session :)

anyway must get back to the baby brother and boyfriend, thought i'd check in and much love. (ps hovering around 120 Ibs... i am such a fatty but hoping to finally crack the 115 range, just have to stop night eating)

xx Claude

Another day, another pound.

Slept at my friend's last night with the gang in preparation for a day trawling the city of Sydney. T'was filled with fun, just annoyed the only thing that ruined it was the copious amounts of food! Two of my three best friends eat enormous amounts. They're both tiny (like 50 kg naturally - pisses me off) but eat often and heaps... For instance, i met with one of them and we got coffee, shopped etc, went back to hers. And we had melting moments (delicious of course but also a casual 200 calories that i didn't need), then watched tv, then made curry puffs (and had like five each) then my other friend came with a sushi platter (the only calories i had planned on having) AND a surprise sponge/cream cake and mars bars!! That meant night officially ruined. melting moment = 200, curry puffs = 450, sushi = 350, cake = 400, mars bar = 250. Like common!!! And they wake up the next morning and the first thing out of their mouths "i'm starving - who wants banana bread?" Ah!!! But anyway, i knew today would be fine because at our first food stop i got a skim hot chocolate (milk = fullness) and for lunch i ordered pumpkin soup, then had a minor freak out when they said they were sold out and got a chicken salad. I felt like my friends were death staring me cuz they all had massive towering burgers and chips (ew) so i got this orange cake thing and a mars red. (stupid... yeah!)

Anyway post massive eating at friends last night and relatively ok day today, my weight is 123 Ibs. that feels and sounds wayyyyy too high - much better around 115. I have just started jogging again with the help of the nike trainer, and i quite like it, just a matter of making myself do it.

Tuesday is my gp test, the last one was months ago and she rang to tell me the blood test said i was anaemic (nothing special, i got some pills so i'm not tired , the only bitch about it is i can't give blood anymore!) so i hope she isn't all quizzing me....

Then friday is my psych appointment. bleh. but on the upside i last purged sunday (now friday night) and tomorrow going to sydney again with mother, so not much bingeing and not really planning on b/p ing any time soon :)

anyway another boring post of boringness....
oh except this arvo i bought a super cute dress from mod cloth, tell me yay or nay :)

Oh and got two hot elle macpherson bra's... hopefully the boyfriend is impressed :P

anyway, au revoir
xx Claude

New start!!

With eating, blogging, schooling, family-ing, everything!

Ok so I just left blogging alone for a good few months, I think because i was in the same repetitive pattern - restrict, binge, purge, feel shite. It meant i just didn't come on here or feel like doing anything of worth. Nowwww everything is different - why i hear you ask? Because Lachlan was born!! Baby brother = unconditional love that shows me there is something worth not purging for :) On that note allow me to share some of the gorgeous photos. He is five weeks right now.'


Anyway back to reality. So now every time i go to purge my brain is like 'no there's Lachlan and you want to see him grow up' etc. But the great thing is i've still managed to lose seven pounds :P I'm not restricting heaps, and I'm even having three meals a day, around 1200 ish a day. Plus i have discovered a new love for jogging. I got the nike sensor in my shoe which connects to your Ipod - it is seriously super motivating. You can set a calorie goal and jog to your fave playlist and it tells you as you reach your goal.

Anyway just made pancakes (diet) and watching 'the perfect catch'. Oh - also it's holidays, which means stress-free chilling.

anyway shall promise to update more often (and also i have been reading everyone's blogs, just haven't felt like i had enough to post)
xx Claude

Heckers brah

So again I must come crawling back to my loyal followers :)

Things have been THE most hectic, it is totally ludicrous. For one thing starting senior school means a whole different schedule, school starting at 8 instead of 9 means a 6.30 bus BUT there are heaps of days where i finish at 1.20 or 12 and thats awesome. Also I am keeping myself uber busy so i don't binge (weird i know) so doing :flute, tennis, maths tutoring, tennis again and work. I just got back from work 10am - 6 pm and i must be the biggest wimp because i'm buggered and my back kills!
So yeah just started my period and before that i was a gross 125 and i'm edging down t 120 now. Today i had a veggie paddy (300), 2 slices bread (150) and tomato sauce (50) before work and just had dinner: lemon chicken, veggies, potato w/ oil (500) so 1000 for the day. Not too bad, and tomorrow i only have three classes, legal studies, modern and ancient history.

Ps i have totally become addicted to blueberry bagels. they're 98 per cent fat free but still 300 calories however they take agesss to get through cuz they're massive and they're good by themself.

just checking in, i've been reading everyone's blog (insert bella, anafly,dani, bonesarepure, mich etc here)

xx Claude

Worst day

Not food wise, i can't bring myself to eat too much but because of it i am feeling sooo tired and achy. waking up at 6 am and not going to bed till late on top of hard classes and sport = tired and grumpy. Seriously my arm hurts from tennis and i should be doing homework but instead of the american civil war making sense i see lines on the walls turn to cockroaches and run around or words that look like facebook chat messages. gah.

So yeah 8 till 3.30 classes, an hour bus to school, tennis (which i sucked at) and now i have a shitload of homework that i can't even comprehend. I've eaten a bag of fruit this morning (200), small skim caramel latte (100), another small fruit salad (80).... now for dinner we're sharing one pizza with veggies which is goodio but mozzarella cheese... so say 250 for the pizza (one third) and salad (60) also might have fruit or something after so i can frigging concentrate. total = 800 or so. Tomorrow i'm going to the gym where i better get my but into motion cuz i am supremely slack.

whats everyone doing/done subject wise? For senior school or in america...no idea. I'm doing modern and ancient history, extension english and maths, legal studies and health. Pretty good but i have a crap modern teacher.

just a random thought

xx Claude

Finally i've broken the curse

I'm forever the one who blogs about the usual, how much i've binged and how disgusting i am, how full and bloated i feel and how i will never be thin because god help me i just binged on an entire pizza and five chocolate brownies. But since school's gone back i've been so damned stressed that eating hasn't been on my list of priorities. I know that sounds like a recipe for disaster, like as soon as i start to deal with the stress i'll be uber hungry but i'm hoping not. For one thing i've got a manageable and sustainable routine. For breakfast  which i never used to have i pack a shitload (like two and a half cups) of fruit salad which equals about 250 calories. This's mainly because i have all period zero which means starting at 8 instead of nine and getting up at 6. I'm up for longer and i get way more binge-ish. anyway i digress. So then i either have a skim caramel latte or another fruit salad before dinner and a hell of alot of diet coke and pepsi max. Basically every afternoon i have something on. (Monday - flute, tuesday - tennis, wednesday - gym, thursday - tennis) and i work one day a weekend so there's only one school arvo and a w/e day where i have a chance to binge.

So i've been averaging 1200.1300 calories a day. Not really low calorie but i've maintained it for a solid week or two and i'm feeling sick from anxiety, so i can't imagine eating that much or more.

On the upside i've lost FIVE POUNDS! woot. might not be much but it's big for me, especially since i've been at 120 or more for a good...many months lol. Anyway so now about 115 although thats a non digital scale and i have to sneak to my parents to be totally accurate.

anyway i have to go watch the biggest loser which i am completely addicted to even though it's total trash.

Oh another thing.. i watched Black swan. I pretty much loved the whole psychotic break down/bulimic/self harming thing and the dancing was beautiful but i hate scary movies even though it was just some tacky gore. So overall i liked it but i should've watched it with friends instead of alone on a stormy night at midnight :P

stay strong everyone
xx Claude

Post partae blegh

So the party was awesome, as in four of us just chilled and set the house up uber awesomely (i'll attach photos of us looking like gay ten year olds :). Everyone came dressed up as their parts and the whole murder mystery thing was cool. Only problemo - the food! We had three massive pizzas, garlic bread, chips dips, crackers etc and of course i just had a fruit salad that day (i'm an idiot) so pretty much ravenous and devoured heaps. Purged a tiny bit, then there was the chocolate fountain! omg. we basically put it on the floor with a giant plate of marshmellows and fruit and binged. it was epic and pretty dirty. So purged in the shower (yuck right). I've decided that is my last binge, during school (goes back tomorrow omg!) I am going to be dedicated to studying and going to the gym and i'll have breakfast (coffee) and dinner and hopefully not binge. So yeah, we stayed up till four am doing the girly sleepover, talk about everything deal and it was kinda cute. It's 3pm here and we went out for 'brunch' which was a low fat cookie (245) and a large skinny caramel latte (155).

 ok this is deffs my 'before' photo

 mm check out the fatty food!

I've discovered (or maybe i'm just slow) this totally satisfying thing. FROZEN THINGS! As in diet creaming soda ice cubes! and they literally taste like a raspberry icy pole, best thing. Also lemon is amazing. Another thing.... Frozen yoghurt! Me and my three best friends got this ice cream cone each and you just fill it with half a tub of diet yoghurt and it tastes like fricken gelato but it's forty calories. Passionfruit or cheesecake are the bomb.

So right now in my fridge/freezer i have several things for any afternoon cravings (doubtful after the disgusting binge last night) including: diet jelly. diet creaming soda (plus ice cubes), fruit salad, forme yoghurt and diet yoghurt frozen! woot what a spread. I'm thing i'm peeved about is the fatty meatballs i can't get out of for dinner. So say thats... 450 with salad and not too many, thats 850 then 100 or so of diet food so still under 1000 day before school.

I'll check in once school goes back, i'm hoping to lose at least a kilo before friday with school routine and the gym. Preferably two. I'll cya when that happens :)
xx Claude

Uber quick one for Bella

Hey babe thanks for being so supportive :D
xx Claude

Motivation

Holidays are always good in the way that you leave your usual routine, see how great it was and love it when you get back. I spent the whole hols thinking how it wouldn't matter if i ate that piece of cake or pasta cuz i would crack down majorly when i got back. Um...so i just had two uber pieces of banana bread what of it? Lol.

Got my hair done today, always good when it's in the middle of lunch and goes for three hours. So during the day just had a fruit salad (250), smoothie (330) then dinner had gourmet ravioli (400) w/ sweet/sour (80) totals 1060 which would have been fine, great in fact if not for the banana bread. Handmade by my butter-and-sugar loving grandma so possibly 250 a piece. (probly three hundred but i don't like to admit it). So 1600 and call it a day.

Tomorrow is the murder mystery party and the takeaway is a pizza/pasta joint. Sooooo not good but i'm going to order an Italian salad, a tomato based pasta and a chicken/vege pizza. Unfortunately we're doing chips/dips, a chocolate fountain, slushies and i'm putting out the rest of the banana bread. I am going to aim to eat breakfast, small lunch and have diet ginger ice cubes then for dinner: salad (100), tomato ravioli (200) and 1 slice pizza (200?) and if i have to pick at stuff maybe i'll cut up carrots for the dips...good thinking. Also everyone has been raving about air popped pop corn as it's  fiberous, filling and low calories so totally jumping on that bandwagon.

Anyway psychologist is next friday which again means i'm in that last minute lose-three-kilos-in-a-week race. Thank god school goes back, the gym starts and tennis lessons so i'll be nicely distracted from food. At 55kg SW, need to be around 53 to have maintained and preferably would like to be 52 but we all want to be lower...

Got Cleopatra, Gustav and Olive back from their minders so the bearded dragon and fish are back where they belong. Dad and my step mother are fighting.

Oh i might have mentioned...the baby is a boy and we are calling him Lachlan Thomas (i chose Lachlan :)

xx Claude

I'm Back!!

From two things, the first my laziness and lack of posting. I recall this was around christmas? Anywho I literally (ok three hours ago) just got back from an epic holiday. First stop was the great barrier reef and snorkelling and such then Japan where we got made over as Geisha's, went to a nine floor spa world, universal studios etc and finally went to Melbourne to see the Australian open, which was the coolest if i do say so myself. We saw (in top notch seats) Andy murray, Djokovitch, Kim Clijsters, a bunch of doubles peeps and this awesome new guy Dolgopolov.

I returned tonight totally amazed, I am pretty much (maybe a kilo heavier) the same weight as when i left. This is crazy because i ate SHIT as in Japan they don't even have skim milk in starbucks frappacino's let alone diet or healthy stuff. When you think Japan you think healthy sushi etc but in reality it's epic portions and either raw fish or deep fried meat. Then melbourne i overate with big meals and desserts yuck. So i think it's a combo that i'm on my period and haven't eaten much today.

School goes back in three days and i am actually super excited. This is because 1) i have a killer routine that i'm excited for,  2) i can get out of eating three big meals a day being watched by family and go back to one , 3) i have joined a gym with my friend where we just get one membership and she can bring me free whenever we train and 4) i'm finally a senior so think new uniform, free periods and no compulsory subjects. My killer schedule really is epic.

Monday: Coffee, school, flute choir and flute lesson (get home seven pm)
Tuesday: Coffee, school, hour tennis lesson
Wednesday: Coffee, half day school, gym with my friend, chemistry tutoring
Thursday: Coffee, school, occasional driving lesson, tennis (1.5 hours)
Friday: Coffee, school, beach interval sprints with my dad
Saturday/Sunday: work, interval training

So i'm hosting a murder mystery party on Saturday. The theme (it comes as a set with instructions etc) is mardi gras/masquerade and there are seven peeps coming over. We're getting take away which will be awkward seeing as we're also having a chocolate fountain and chips and dips. Tomoz i have an unbelievable amount of english essays to work on (the annoying thing about doing accelerated) and a hair appointment. Right now it's thirty something degrees or a hundred degrees farenheit, and in a word it is feral.

 new DKNY bag woot

 The australian open

 Fat photo, aus open.

Also one more thing. My step mum is being a total bitch. I'm sick of it and her.

xx Claude

The only thing to worry about...

... is when there's nothing left to fear.

lol.

So yesterday i 'broke the fast' (if you count forty hours as a decent fast). Had a short 9-12 shift, then had lunch in the form of a diet yoghurt (85) and mexebeans with olives (280). Then for dinner we went to chinese and i ordered sweet and sour vegetable stir fry (no idea? what do you think?) and unfortunately two san choy bow (400 max?) so a good day following a fast. Today was meant to be a fast but mother dearest wants to have dinner, so we're going to a pizza place where i'll have a small greek salad sans dressing. Cuz it's not a fast day i decided it'll be a restrict-ish day, so i'm starting with this awesome rice pudding (see below, 230), then going shopping where i'm thinking of having a muffin break low fat or weight watchers muffin (280/240) and a salad (300) then dinner (salad-200). So total... = 970. Yayy just under 1000.

Ingredients:

• 3/4 cup precooked brown rice
• 1/3 cup skim milk (I substituted 1/4 cup reduced fat soy milk and enough water to make 1/3 cup of liquid)
• 1 egg white
• pinch of salt
• 1 dash ground cinnamon
• 1 dash ground nutmeg
• 1/4 tsp. vanilla extract
• 2 Splenda packets (You may want to use another sugar substitute like Stevia. However if you use Equal, sprinkle on your rice after cooking)
• 1 small apple, sliced

Directions:

1. Mix cooked brown rice with 1/4 cup milk in a saucepan. Add sugar (and a pinch of salt if no salt was used in cooking the rice). Cook over medium-low heat for 15-20, until thickened and milk is absorbed.
2. Take sliced apples and cook in micorwave until tender. Use a GLAD SimplyCooking microwave steaming bag for perfectly steamed apples. Or just cook in a covered microwave safe bowl.
3. Beat egg white with remaining milk. Stir into rice mixture and add vanilla. Cook 2 minutes.
4. Dust with cinnamon and nutmeg and serve on top of apples.

Nutritional Information:

Calories 222 
Fat 1.3g 
Carbohydrates 41.1g 
Fiber 2.7g 
Protein 10g

I'm spending today being the biggest lazy person ever. Watching repeats of grey's anatomy, facebooking and lounging aroudn then i'm gonna spend heaps of moulah on after christmas sales :)

xx Claude
stay strong

Coincedental fast (:

Yayy so an eight and a half hour shift and a spontaneous movie night right through the day means i accidently (" ") ended up sans food! Woot. So i'm going to replace tomorrow (tuesday's) fast with today seeing as i'm going out to dinner then fast wednesday, added bonus of breaking it up. (preventing my metabolism being snail trail slow)

how is everyone going post christmas? Ps forgot to tell you BonesArePure but i totally made your cookies and they were delicious. Maybe it's cuz family are used to butter and sugar laden desserts so stuff thats made healthily just doesn't taste the same, but i thought they were awesome.

Cleopatra three weeks old :)

xx Claude

Fasting pact?

What are we thinking of a joint fast? Say... two days starting like tuesday? Then we can still have boxing day and the next day just in case of snooping family etc. Maybe allow liquids (for me diet drinks and diet jelly). Anyone game? Feel free to change the days/allowed foods/liquids i just REALLY need to get rid of this food baby and go into the new year feeling a tad skinny opposed to my current beach whale-ness. see attached pic of me as a beached whale.

 

So disgusting. Observe pudgy stomach and flabby thighs. Vomit.

xx Claude. Merry Christmas for those in the northern hemispehere and get your fast on biatchez!

The inevitable christmas binge...

The average person scoffs 25,000kJs on Christmas Day. That’s enough energy to fuel a 29km walk.


This stat totally shocked me - until i began christmas day that is. Of course I'd planned to have minimal breakfast, maybe nothing in anticipation of a slightly larger lunch, yet still small. This was because we were going to the Crowne Plaza buffet (one hundred and fifty bucks a person, the fanciest of the fancy) and i'd googled the menu. Of course it was huge, but they had a number of lower calorie options (think sushi/sashimi/seafood, heaps of salads, salmon etc). The minute my grandparents got here with a box of chocolate and sliced fruit cake for everyone, things started going down hill. By the time we got to the buffet there was no chance. I had a gigantic plate with everything imaginable and then went back for even bigger bowl of dessert (think cheesecake, fruit pudding, eclairs, slices, pavlova). Tried to purge and it was obvious i was going to go do it which made it even WORSE when i couldn't bring anything up! Worst feeling in the entire world is being stuffed and not even being able to purge. Another bad thing is right now i'm waiting for my parents to go out and use their christmas presents (kayaks) so i can eat the aforementioned box of chocolates and fruit cake and watch movies... Just relying on starving the next few days.


On the upside (of another totally shit christmas) I got some great christmas presents: My baby (the bearded dragon) who is only three weeks old and smaller than my hand, i called her cleopatra :) She came with a handmade white wood enclosure and my Pop built an awesome white table... 


On the downside my mother rang...and she is getting engaged. Shock. disbelief. You'd understand if you met her, she is on so many anti-depressants that she is just a block of ice. She has no emotions and is condescending and i can't believe this has happened... And they're planning to get married at the same time my little brother or sister is born! (the one she doesn't know about). Shite!


Who's feeling the need to fast/start a crazy diet to recover from the feral-ness of christmas bingeing? Ps what did everyone get/partake in?


xx Claude

Stationary shopping aka my favourite past-time

I don't know whether it's the rows of patterned paper or the hundreds of shiny plastic pencil cases and gadgets, but stationary shopping is just my favourite thing to do :) Said to my dad that I was going to dinner with my mum (genius) and just spent an extra couple of hours shopping. The huge list of crap i bought for school includes binders (think seven of the things in 'lollyshade' colours), pastel coloured binder separaters, general stationary and some friggin awesome notebooks... Jizz in my pants.

After the second annual function (fabbity xmas party thrown by best friends) and getting home and practically eating my way to sleep (disgusting.fugly.gross) i fasted today and am fasting till tomorrow night, so two days. My weight's pretty bleh - but on the upside its three days till christmas and i am taking a leaf out of 'bonesarepure's book and making low calorie oatmeal cookies (apricot, less cals than cranberry) and taking them to the mandatory family dinners...

Just a quick post, pumped to get Law and Order SVU as my next tv series (just finished grey's anatomy - holy crap the season 6 ending is crazy!)

xx Claude

Big Mistake.

Was working this morning 8am and after a gross binge last night thought the bakery would be a good pit stop (and it helped me get motivation to get out of bed). bad idea ( not the 'Big Mistake'!) because after 500 calories of muesli, banana bread and half a muffin i was STUFFED and so not in the mood for working. I don't know what it is but i work wayy better if i'm restricting, i don't have to worry about feeling full i can just work and have this awesome feeling of starving. Mainly cuz of that/not wanting to binge means i don't eat at work. as in nothing, which has become totally obvious after these few week of summer holidays and extra work.  Everyone at work including my boss makes little digs about 'aren't you going to eat'? 'we're going to get you on a drip'! and then my boss got all macho 'during these hot days we're gonna need to see you eat so you don't pass out'. usually i'm cool with it and i just laugh or shrug it off but today i was all full and gross after the binge so i took a stupid risk and said to my boss that i had an ED for four years and he was all like 'sorry i shouldn't have made jokes' etc but then it was totally awkward from then and he kept giving me pity looks and stuff. i am such an idiot for saying something - it had been on the back of my mind to say something for the past few shifts so people would shut up about it, and now i'm reminded the consequences of telling people about something like this. Awkwardness and embarrassment. Anyway enough ranting for today. Fasting wednesday and thursday (psych thurs) and christmas party tonight. Pact of losing weight for christmas anyone? 


xx Claude

The daily grind

(what an ironic title seeing as i used to work for 'the daily grind' :P)

So just finished an eight hour shift (8-4) which feels huge but probly isn't. The looming of another day of work tuesday really kills me. Got the post work binge down to 2 low-fat yoghurts, diet jelly, small muffin and a christmas lolly pop. Much better than two nights ago which was the whole xmas party fiasco. Last night had a joyful (not) christmas dinner with my mother's side of the family - the best that can be said is i got fifty bucks and a salad for dinner.

Now freaking out about the psych in... four days, especially seeing as the wii fit read 54 kgs and last time i went down i was 53... Methinks last minute laxatives/fasting. Found this awesome product 'Quorn' which is meat free meat but really low cal, perfect for dinners cuz the family think it's meat! Genius :P

Whats everyone wanting/getting for christmas?? I've been crazy buying presents, it's so fun to wrap stuff and put it under the tree... speaking of tree's, i'll take/post a pic of ours.

anyway i am getting back to my childhood roots and about to embark on a cluedo marathin :P will update later with cals etc.

stay strong everyone!
xx Claude

Craziest dream

Weirdest dream - i dreamt that i was in a room with my family and they were all watching and i kept shoving my face full with cheese and spitting it out in huge mouthfulls and they just stared and then it changed and i was in the school bathroom puking and crying and this guy pulled me out and cleaned me up...odd?

Also i woke this morning feeling (and LOOKING) HUGEEEE. i have a psych appointment in five days and i don't want to be fat again. Especially cuz when you go in there is a roomful of tiny girls and then this stick will come out of his office and he has the nerve to tell me not to lose weight! When i am obese compared to the other girls.

Yeesh this ranting is doing my head in :P

So finishing christmas shopping today, it's that time of year and i'm keeeeen as a bunch of string beans.

xx Claude

Accountability

So after another day of eating nothing at work and ending up having a huge disgusting binge at a christmas party i've decided enough is enough. I seriously ate an unbelievable amount of food - i need another person to be accountable to! especially over this christmas period. just so i don't feel like i'm getting away guilt free ...
claude

Work...

So recovering from yesterday's binge, haven't eaten (3 pm) and it must've been a damaging binge because i am not hungry in the slightest but downside is i have gained nearly two kilos, that's right TWO. It better come off fast. I hate the last minute 'can you come in to work' especially when i'm going to watch a dance concert and it's fricken hailing outside. I should really be going...

anafly: for me a binge is where i just lose control, i hate counting calories during a binge (mainly cuz i never ever plan to overeat) but i guess they can range from 500 - 2000 (grosss - only if it's like a full day of overeating).

... i hate the thought that overeating just kinda strikes anywhere anytime, for me it's not like there is a 'trigger' (shit word) i just randomly lose control...

xx Claude