Bloated and fat and disgusting.

Ew. I hate myself. I always seem to binge friday/weekend. It is the most uncomfortable feeling, being so full you feel inflated and sick (everyone knows the one). Right now i'm... sitting uncomfortably after things like cheesecake, pizza, pork buns, lollies and chocolate! This is bad even for me. Ew i really am the fattest most disgusting thing ever. I couldn't even purge at school. I fail at having a ED cuz i can't stick to a basic fricken diet!!!!

I will probly be like 60 kilos by tomorrow. or seventy or eighty or three hundred. yuck.

School, shit and sugar.

Oh what alliteration. Had my first lot of trials today, and they weren't too bad apart from sitting on my FAT arse for five hours! And there's another five hours of maths and science tomorrow. I'm kinda scaring myself sticking to this diet plan. Now i think my stomach must have shrunk at least a bit cuz i used to have a diet pepsi almost every break, so two or three at school and a couple in the arvo. Now i've had like one and i'm stuffed.

Last weekend i worked my usual 9-3 shift and i was SUCH a bitch. Like i had been following the diet, and i wasn't openly rude i just pretty much didn't talk unless someone asked me something. I must look like a real freak or stuck up bitch. So the plan-io this saturday is to eat more before my shift, then maybe i won't binge badly sunday and kick start my metabolism.

I've been googling low calorie rice pudding...it's kinda my favourite and was my binge food last weekend. I'm actually really excited, i can just use skim soy milk, splenda, egg white, cinnamon, vanilla essence and a couple tablespoons of rice. My only problemo is the rice. Anyone know how many calories are in a tablespoon or the best kind to use? According to yahoo its about twenty calories a tablespoon cooked... so altering an orginial recipe its:
- 2/3 skim soy milk (40)
- 30 grams uncooked rice (105)
- 1 Tbs sweetener (7)
- egg white (17)
- cinnamon and vanilla essence (15)
total = 184

omnomnom...

My weight was... 55.3 kilos today, and i can still feel food from the sunday binge in my stomach. gross. My step mum has made french onion soup for dinner, from a cook book that says 290 calories. I know she used my low cal margarine not butter, and if i avoid the crusty cheese/bread crap at the top that leaves just soup. I'll say 200 to be sure. 

Much love

xx Claude

what a shit day.

So left a party last night early, mainly cuz there was the most appetising array of food. Hate to get people cravings but there was a huge bowl of macaroni cheese, this amazing looking caesar/potato salad with creamy dressing bread crumbs potato eggs bacon.... Then less appetising, sausages but everyone was eating bread and butter! And homemade cupcakes with thick icing! Then this morning i woke up extremely sick and couldn't make it to the bathroom because it went black for so long. Probly something to do with having ten meatballs yesterday, going for a sprint-jog for twenty minutes and purging the meatballs.

Not sure what came into my head but i thought stuff being controlled for today and pretty much went for it. Started with some bananas and a mango while making rice pudding (with eggs and brown sugar) and eating hugee spoonfuls of peanut butter and honey. Think there was some bread in there. So i weighed at 55.7 which isn't bad. I think i must have been a bit over 54 this morning.

It's school tomorrow and i'm thinking i'll get up early to get back into the pancake-for-breakfast and small-dinner routine. Mondays are always the worst of my week, not to complain (which is kinda what i'm doing) but pretty much I spend an hour on the bus then have a horrible day of maths and science then wait an hour and a half for flute choir then a flute lesson. Get back at seven and can't make dinner, so it's usually some crappy taco thing. Tomorrow i think it's mussels...

Over and out
xx Claude

Everything smells way to good!

Still succeeding at this diet that started last week, which has resulted in my weight going from 59 - 55 ish, which is the most i've lost for a long time (sad but true) and this is definitely the most control i've been in since my ED started (haven't purged in two weeks woot). The only bad thing is the SMELLS. for instance, tonight i was indirectly banned from cooking dinner, i think the 'rents suspect after i've demanded to cook the whole week. So i had to sabotage because the menu was PORK and BEEF meat balls and i insisted on no olive oil and using ultra light marg but still there was probly about... eight tablespoons used!! anyway when my dad was out of the room i drained them as much as possible and drained the onion that was coated in fat. But yeah i made salad and filled my plate with that and two of the balls but they smelt soooo good. Thats the only thing i hate. the feeling of missing out on all this amazing food, and for some reason when you're bingeing or eating normally, food all starts to taste the same but when you're starving everything smells...intoxicating. Obviously i'm just raving, mainly because i can still smell meatballs and the glass of diet green tea mineral water is just not that appetizing.

Anyway i'm working tomorrow 9-3 so back into the schedule, the a party 5-10. have to decide whether i want dinner (bombay potatoes - 200) at like 4.30 or skip. I'm working the same sunday so probly will have dinner.

I've barely started studying for my trials second day back, and with two days till school i don't exactly have time so stuff it. As soon as school restarts we'll go back to the usual, frightful dinner routine (a mix of taco's, lasagne and oily meat/vegges - impossible to avoid and eventually a lead into full on all day non stop bingeing! - i should move back with my mother...).

Anyway of too watch black books which is possibly the best show since diet coke was invented.
xx Claude

BMI is going down.

I weighed again and i'm down from 56.4 to 55.7 kilos or 123 to 122 pounds. I'm so happy it isn't just water weight that i'm losing. I'm starting to stress majorly about going back to school and having this new routine disturbed. I'm thinking i can still make the 200 cal pancakes in the morning, and take 2 cans of pepsi max to school and no money that way i won't buy from the canteen. Only downside is that it's school certificate and even now at home i can't concentrate enough to study.

When i get back to my hectic routine (flute, tennis, work) then i'm sure i'll just go back to bingeing and purging and gain back all the weigh i've lost.

Anyway, toodles
xx Claude

Finally!

Hi everyone in blog land. So you know that feeling where you wake up and your heart is beating realllly loud in your chest and you feel totally hollow and weak but kind of amazing at the same time? Finally I haven't woken up feeling full!! And then i weighed and i'd lost 3 pounds since yesterday. I know it's most likely just water weight but still. Working through lunch for half a week really gets you into a pattern of early breakfast and dinner with nothing in between. So not exactly progress but went from 126 to 123.

Whats great is that i have everyone's blogs to stalk, which is a complete trigger. The plan i follow when i'm working from 9am- afternoon is a big breakfast of pancakes, 200 calories (1/3 cup flour, 1/3 cup skim milk, vanilla essence, ginger, cinnamon, egg white, splenda) and then dinner, which i'm trying to make for my family (tonight steamed chicken breast) or go out for (last night artichoke & mushroom salad). I still have that on-edge feeling of oh-know-i'm-going-to-binge!!

Today i have thirty bucks to go grocery shopping (my favourite thing, slightly sad but what of it) and then i'm going to invest in friends season three.
Giving blood on thursday, and they say not to come in on an empty stomach, which is fine but then afterwards they force on you milkshakes and biscuits! My friend said she didn't want anything yet she still got milkshakes and biscuits. Also they weigh you. Boo.

Anyway. Gotta get ready for the day aka put on some eyeliner. I should really do some exercise tomorrow...

xx Claude

Buggered. preparing for more buggerdom

Gearing up for three straight days of work. Had an 11-4 shift today, then she gave me a pay rise (eek) and asked me to stay an extra hour, so i couldn't exactly say no! Tomorrow and sunday i'm on 9-3 and monday 9-4. So a total of 25 hours and $250. woot woot. 


But yeah. even after one shift my feet are completely stuffed and i have NO idea how i'll get through work tomorrow. especially cuz i don't eat there, like today i ate a 300 cal breakfast at 10.30 then dinner at 7.30, nothing in between. Also i'm really annoyed cuz i just started this job but already my boss is like 'are you sure you're not going to eat something, you have to eat eventually' yada yada. But at least i'm definiely in the 57 range. and i measure over 166 (169 but i think it was wrong measuring). so bmi like 20 something. still very shameful. I'm hoping after this week of working (monday) i'll be at least 56, maybe 55. 


Then giving blood thursday and having driving lessons, so thats another day taken. Also tuesday at the movies, always good to have two hours out of the way. 


So plan for tomorrow
- wake at 7.30 and make breakfast while watching friends
- breakfast recipe: pancakes (1/2 cup flour, 1/2 skim milk, egg white, splenda, cinnamon)
- Go to work at 9 and drink pepsi max (caffeine) on the way. 
- scab a couple diet drinks at work and sip throughout. 
- get present for friends party after work and salad
- friends come over at 4. DON"T BINGE. 
- maybe go out on the beach?
- try on dress's and flaunt nearly-there-ribs
- make dinner (ravioli, a few pieces for me and salad)
- total calories: 300 breakfast, sugar free jelly, 200 dinner = 550)

Nutrition
- egg whites, sweet chilli sauce 100
- low cal blueberry bread 300
- chicken mince (small amount), side pasta, peas,corn 350
Total: 750

xx Claude