fat, bloated, ugly.

This is you and me. This is you replacing an apple because it has sixty calories. This is you and me doing star jumps instead of showering. This is you. And me.

This is you coming home and finally saying fuck it. You, buttering slice after slice, sending them down whole, with fatty congealed milk. You with your hands on the belly of a woman many months pregnant. This is you, barely breathing from a stomach several times it’s normal size. You, bent over the toilet bowl both hands clawing at the calories invading your body. You on the floor, lying in your own vomit. You standing at kitchen, back for more. You for the tenth time, blood pouring from a throat ripped, hundred fold.

This is you in bed hands cradling a bowling ball, swollen, painful. You the next morning on the scales. Measure, weigh, re weigh. This is you trying all over again.

This is you four years later, standing on the scales. This is you watching your friends grow up. This is you, staying a little girl. You with a laxative in one hand and ipecac in the other. You with no means of survival but the thought of thin.

This is you at the end of your life, you with your body torn to shreds and your mind bleeding on the floor. This is you and me baby.

fml

fucking huge binge/purge today i feel so disgusting thank god i just sat there i was seriously considering just swallowing pills or doing something stupid so i could not feel it anymore.
i've ripped my throat and everything from puking but i can't stop and i don't even want to do it anymore but i can't stop!!! freaking.
eh everything is so overrated and crappy.

psych and loss

So this morning my weight was at 51.6. I know that tomorrow it'll be higher (just cuz i'm feeling some water loading going on) but thats like...an eight kilo loss :) also 1.6 from my goal weight and bmi of 18.4! The psych was bad and good. on one hand it was him and me the whole time, so my parents who were bursting with news about my bad eating habits had to stay quiet (even though they sent him an email). on the other hand, i broke my stead fast rule of not being weighed and let him weigh me, partly cuz i wanted to prove that i had lost weight, that i wasn't overeating because that is so shameful and also i was proving i was in the healthy weight category. He said no more weight loss and now i'm getting weighed every session, which is a major bummer cuz a) i can NOT gain otherwise he will know and it will be horrible and i'll look soo fat and b) if i lose which of course i want to, he is going to make my parents monitor my breakfast and lunch way more rigidly. It's a lose/lose situation. Of course there is water loading...Still i hate all these threats and shit especially when i AM fat as in bmi of 19.5 and healthy!! It's so unnecessary.

Also christmas is coming up, the dreaded month of scorched almonds, mince pies, fruit cake and roast meet. The boxes of chocolates which are so inviting...

I've been fixated on cheesecake recipes at the moment. I spend like every night poring over them, and i am considering baking a super light one although of course it's still like 200 calories a slice or something ridiculous. I need to bake it and have people around so i can serve it/get rid of it after only a serving... ah the dilemma's :)

Anyway i've been under 600 for a couple days, so i've lost about two kilos since last post and although i dream about pumpkin pie, chocolate with strawberry centers and gooey butterscotch chocolate muffins i have not and WILL not cave.
I have found a love of freezing things - freeze a 70 calorie diet yoghurt for frozen yoghurt that takes a good half hour to eat, a frozen pot of rockmelon is like 70 calories for a huge bowl and tastes awesome same with grapes.

Anyway gotta go think about food instead of doing homework
xx Claude

Family rant time.

So it's time once again to freak out about comments from my rather re eating I hate it when he brings up my eating because..it just sounds horrible and i get all uncomfortable. Like we'll be sitting with extended family or even his friends and he'll say "before we do ... you have to get your eating patterns under control" or "your disordered eating impacts on the whole family". just really cringe-worthy embarrasing shit like that.

We're planning a holiday this january, it's going to be epic. We're going to the top of Australia (cairns) and swimming in the great barrier reef for a couple days, then going to Osaka in Japan for a week, where it'll be freezing cold then picking my friend up and going to Melbourne (aus.) to see the australian open tennis and go shopping. We're (my step mum and me) are getting all excited about melbourne and looking at accomodation and then dad comes out with "before we go you need to get your eating controlled, none of this weight management and pickiness"and now everything is hostile and awkward between us GRRR i hate this out of control feeling.

When we go on holidays food problems will be in Japan and on the flights. Because we're staying in a traditional hotel they provide all meals and i know from experience they're like five course breakfast lunch and dinner. The flights are typical plane food but i'm considering ordering something different on the flight or not eating it...dunno yet. Anyway thats not for two and a half months.

My weight this morning was 53 kgs, and i ate 850 cals today which is more than a low cal day but i am planning to liquid fast tomorrow. I'm going swimming at like 6.30pm with my friend and i told my parents we're having fish and chips, i hope i don't get discovered or forced to eat dinner at home.

Psych on tuesday is going to be verrrrry interesting because dad is going to come out with the usual crap of me being very controlled and picky and obsessed with calories, weight yada yada. I just hope the guy doesn't suggest dad monitor my breakfast and lunch cuz i will FREAK. I've been organising more dinners out and stuff with my mum cuz she really doesn't care and has no clue so its sooo much easier.

anyway we're going to watch friends probly in awkward silence and dad is going to give me more blackmail about not going on holidays unless i get my eating under control

just a rant post, hopefully 52 kilos by tuesday morning. got some future dinners under control: tomorrow fast, tuesday japanese (cabbage, seaweed salad, diet coke), wednesday prawns w/ salad thursday something fatty and gross like pasta and friday i'll make a stir fry.

xx Claude

My scales are broken!!!

Ahh worst nightmare come true. I replaced the batteries but it's totally dead - won't turn on and it has a completely blank screen. So now i need to wait until my parents are out and steal their scales, but currently i am charging the wii fit's batteries, so hopefully thats accurate.

So my psych is in two days and i have no idea when i'll get a chance for totally accurate weighing - how frigging annoying. The past two days or so my intake has been <600 and i do feel kinda shaky (the usual crap) and yesterday i was back to 53.6 thank the lord.

I've seen harry potter twice now, it's the best :) "that's a curious thing to keep in your sock..."

xx Claude

Quick update, failures and formal photos

So i have refrained from posting over the past few days. Partly cuz i've been freaking out about HSC english exams and partly cuz i have been shit (pardon my french) at sticking to my diet!! I had my formal last night, i was aprox 54 kilos, so wayy fro where i wanted to be but i fit in my dress and everything. After formal we went to see the first harry potter screening at midnight woot. Unfortunately i ate my way through a 130gram bag of lollies, 200 grams of snow drops, a choc top and heaps of pods eww. Then today has just been binge city AGAIN. Banana bread, sour dough, peanut butter, nutella, caramel slice, muesli bar, sandwich, biscuits times a billion, ice cream, pie the fucking disgusting list goes on you have no idea how gross it is. But i had that thing where i'm like "tomorrow i will be liquid fasting so it doesn't matter now" which is a crap mentality but i AM fasting tomorrow and i will post to make sure i stick to it! 


I digress. Here are a couple of the formal photos, baring in mind i am fatttt 

Anyway moving on. So now my next psych appointment has been moved to tuesday, as in YES like...five frigging days away. this is after these horrible binge days so i will be at least 55 disgusting kilos tomorrow, and i was 53 when i last saw him :( i have to lose two kilos!!!

So tomorrow working on english at home alone allll day, must make sure and i hope to god i just have liquids and i will post to make sure i stick to it. Then working saturday, sunday lunch out (salad) and maybe i should go out do some exercise. I have a plan, on monday i'm going to the beach with my friend and i'll say i'm getting dinner with them so perfect a fast from sunday night to tuesday night!! 48 hours here i come.

wish me luck cuz obviously i need it.

xx Claude

News and numbers!

So yesterday i 'found out' the big news. I am seven months off a baby brother or sister! Then my dad told his friends who came round and celebrated and they had a huge fight last night, apparently my step mum punched my dad and he drove off for a while...ahh the drama.

So i've done bugger all today, watched so many episodes of friends that even Ross is getting attractive. The bake off is this arvo and i'm totally pumped. My only problem is i really cannot afford to eat any of what we make or the ingredients. Sarah and I ( go my grammar) and making: a white chocolate mud cake with thick frosting around the outside and white choc lattices with spun caramel on top. Yep pretty much: butter, chocolate and oh would you like some cake with your butter? So yes no eating the left overs, licking the bowl of fat or eating the spare chocolate (someone tell me i can do it PLEASE! :)

Despite eating two huge servings of ice cream last night (ew) i was 53.9 this morning, so i've gone down from 55.5 two days ago thank the lord and baby jesus.

I've seriously had way too much fun thinking of ideas for dinner tonight. I went from a bowl of steamed veges with sweet chili sauce to macaroni cheese (low fat) to a weight watchers/lean cuisine meal (300+ cals) and now mushy peas (370 cals for half a kilo) with sweet chilli (50).

anyway i have to go clean Gustav and Olive's bowl (my hunky dory (pun :P) fish)

xx claude

Devastated.

I seriously thought this time it was for real, like i'd hardly been purgeing and really manageable bingeing and i had lost the most i had in ages but nooo. The last few days i have been in binge/purge city and unfortunately its been mostly binges. Every night this week i have gone to bed with a HUGE stomach that looks disgusting and woken up feeling sick because i'm still full of food!! this morning i am reverting back to my original diet thing of pancakes for breakfast and writing exactly whats in it down, even though i still feel full and sick. Yesterday was the worst, i started the day with a huge tub of bircher muesli, caramel slice, chocolate bars and went on to muffin, banana, yoghurt, sandwich (purged - finally) and then at home cereal X 1000 and bread. fml. anyway this morning i was 55.5 and to stop a nervous break down i am thinking that the laxatives i took yesterday will help and WHEN not if i do well today my weight will drop considerably and i will be all motivated and such. fat chance.

It just really sucks because i was happy at 53 kilos and i have my formal in SIX days! remember that size six dress?? yeah it doesn't bode well with a 55.5 kilo hefferlump. My dad got an exercise bike and it isn't as cool as i thought, it doesn't display calories burned so it must be a reallllly old model and ... its boring. I prefer running or wii fit.

so i really don't even want pancakes but then again i really must avoid a late night binge so i will. we just had all our exams so maybe i can blame it on that? i don't think so. Today we only have to go for one period - computers test yayy!

so plan for today. pancakes (vomit), diet coke diet coke with a side of pepsi max and citrus gum....dinner smoked salmon, ONE small potato, salad = 500 ?

better than 3500 fatty

anyway i doubt anyone read this cause i was just venting and yeah its not the most uplifting vent.
xx Claude

ahhh not the cycle

oh dear god. today was going fine, had an exam, flute lesson got home at 7pm without food not too bad. had homemade bread/chicken for dinner. could have stopped at that 600 calories but no, as soon as the parents were gone it was toast and bananas and yoghurt and purging and now i am full and bloated again and will have gained more weight AGAIN. i need that control back! i bet it was seeing the stupid psych guy, i always feel and get fat after that. i need to lose this weight!!
hellppppp

binge! wtf

ewewew i am typing over a huge distended stomach and everytime i breath my chest hearts. it looks like i'm pregnant. i feel disgustinggggg. i had this massive binge not triggered by anything cept maybe boredom  and purged but then had to finish cooking dinner for my family and i don't know why but i feel SO full.

AHH i hate me everyone should ignore this but i need to purge again which i can't so laxativeS? but i have my school cert and i can't be shitting in an exam scuse my crap (no pun) language

anyway going off to despise myself. will wake up tomorrow to a 55 kilogram plus mess

stuff me stuff my sucking at life and my eating
i could just disappear yes?
claude

Psych :(

So yesterday was horrible. i've been maintaing 300 cals or so, and in the middle of the day i was about 52.5 kilos, so a total of seven lost from last time i saw CT. He asks my dad and i both in, and it is totally awkward then my dad comes out with all this stuff i didn't know he realised "she counting calories, going for low caloric options (wtf?) she only wants salad and won't eat meat (i love chicken and fish! my bad i don't like a hunk of cow) and on and off the scales (how does he know this?!) and its having such an impact on us" yada yada. God i wish they would leave me alone! So then CT goes on about how much i eat in a day and i stupidly  told him how much i've been eating (like a typical day) in the past few weeks. The result? i have to go back in three weeks instead of three months. fml.


We went to japanese for dinner and i got: edamame (soy beans), miso and a seaweed salad. i know for next time not to get the soybeans, they are healthy with protein and shit but basically 200 calories :O that was all for yesterday.


Oh i think my dad was just trying to piss me off. Before seeing CT we went and did some shopping and it was meant to be soups for tonight right. and there are these lasagne's we used to get and he's like lets get one, but i know its at least four hundred calories so i was trying to be casual "we have heaps of stuff in the freezer, the soups will be fine" and then he goes to this other deli and picks up a beef pie!! for sunday dinner. and crumbed chicken, lamb chops and sausages EW! so on sunday i am debating whether to just suck up the pie and find a way to have a small piece with salad or get out of the house and go to dinner with my mother. both options suck. i don't know what the hell i'm going to do about all the meat...i'll have to peel the crumbs off somehow without looking 'anorexic' pfft.

grr. and now i have to go to work in an hour, and i have this crap mind set thats like "you need to eat a biggish breakfast before work or exams" like porridge, bran or soy pancakes but then again do i really need to? i'm not hungry and i had diet jelly so i'll see how today goes sans breakfast.

Ok i really need an opinion girls! the soups we picked up were: pumpkin, coconut and corriander OR white bean, bacon, chick peas. My only concern is the pumpkin one has coconut milk. what do you think is lower calories? there is an ingredient list for the bacon one which is alright but not for pumpkin... and i need to get out of slices of bread covered in butter to dip in the soup!! why is life so effing difficult?!

sorry for the major rant it just feels crap.
btw i am reading everyone's blogs, i just don't have much to contribute :P
xx claude

tonsilitis bitchs.

Haven't posted for a while mainly cuz i have viral tonsilitis. nah i've just been busy but that was way more interesting. I get tomorrow off school to recover (and freak out about psych appointment) and i really should do some study.... anyway this morning i was 52.9 kgs!!! thats a kilo down from my lowest weight a few days ago. i'm thinking it may be water weight so seeing what tomorrow brings. i have had a really painful throat which means i got away with soup for dinner tonight (total = 280 calories) and yesterday salad and veges. I had four small boiled potatoes right, sounds innocent. but noo over 200 calories without my knowledge!!!

anyway nothing interesting happening. tomorrow is psych, working all day saturday and all next week are exams. boo you whore :)

xx claude