Don't you hate parent bombshells...

Guten arven!

So a few weeks ago (actually one week and three days to be precise) I found myself in the food court after school and a day that was full of bingeing. I'd just had a maccas sundae, burger, chips. I NEVER eat fast food but a calorie is a calorie, no matter if it's an apple or six chips. Anyway i was stuffed so made my way to the bathroom and promptly puked up the food. I may have mentioned it, i started vomitting blood not the usual trail or red in spit but tablespoons of bright red. I rang my dad (who's a doctor) and little did i know my stepmother was in the car and i was on speakerphone!

My parents divorce was finalised yesterday and apparently my step mum has worked up my dad and the lawyer saying i am fatally ill vomiting blood and bingeing and purging every other day! total bollocks but i get she is worried. If i could give this eating shit up i would, in an instant.

So i'm booked into my old psychologist and a GP appointment who will tell me if i need an endoscopy! it sounds dramatic cuz it IS! a week and a half of nothing, i've purged only once and now i might have some friggin gut problem and two appointments when i had everyone nicely convinced that i was cured! eh i hate my luck.

On the UPSIDE (not) i am working tomorrow 11-4, saturday 9-3 and sunday 9-3. At least i can say that i'm having lunch at work and possibly make dinner tomorrow and saturday..

Went to lunch with my mother today, first time we've done something in months. When i'm with her i can really feel myself slipping back into wanting to starve and control. took some crappy mobile pics under the delusion that my stomach looked flatter.

Nutrition
- black jelly beans (alot!) 500
- scallops (3) with fancy beetroot/pea/salad 500
- small amount pizza (homemade) with salad 400
Total: around 1400

Heaps but whatever. I've lost since yesterday (three pounds!) even though it's period weight being lost.

XX Claude

Control

 

Heyhey. So had my birthday bash, which was FANTASTIC. This great venue with a lounge area, a bar, a deck, bathrooms and a huge dance floor. The DJ was great, everyone came (40 people or so) and had a good time. Then my gang came home and we spent hours opening up all forty presents (and yes i'm aware i sound like a stupid schoolgirl - which i am). I got over four hundred bucks in money and shopping vouchers (score) and two FISH! woot. they're called Gustav and Olive. And a couple seasons of friends which i'm currently addicted to.

Anyway had a huge cupcake. Very tempting, very nice, very moist, very amazing. Very given away to my friends.

The next day was my actual birthday and i had to work, then went out with my mum. ate a lil bit too much and same with the next two days. Though i did go to the beach and exposed my huge legs and stomach. I'll post a picture just as a 'before'

Anyway, today i've finally started to get some control.

Nutrition

-cereal with watery milk and fruit 350

-half skim caramel latte 100

-fruit salad and berry fruit 250

-rissoles with peas 400

total: 1100

So obviously not complete control but better than a 2000 calorie binge.

I kinda miss my stomach lining...

So haven't posted in a while, mainly cuz i'm too ashamed! As always, I've just (i think) gotten over the seriously heinous bingeing stage. Thank the lord and baby jesus. But it has had serious repercussions. For one i've gained like two kilos (five pounds) and i can't look at photos of myself without wanting to vomit. I went in the sydney bridge run, which was four and a half kilometres and i did it in 25 minutes. As you can see my fitness is also suffering from my recent binges! The morning of the run we were at a hotel after seeing jet and powderfinger (amazing) and I had sworn to have a super healthy breakfast after our midnight tim tam run. Cuz it was a buffet there were alot of healthier options, but typically i had to much. SO whilst it was mostly muesli, poached eggs and toast i ate way too much. Then got home and had this disgusting chicken wrap and binged, tried but failed to purge. Yesterday after school had a maccas binge and for the first time in four years brought up an obvious amount of blood, which needless to say is worrying.

Probly why i have been almost terrified of bingeing again, had half my dinner last night and a coffee and protein bar today (6pm). Oh well might make me lose weight finally.

Also have entered this writing competition just for fun, but the lady from the ABC wrote back and said she liked it. http://heywire.abc.net.au/_The-truth-about-our-history/blog/2646077/13362.html

My birthday is on sunday, and i'm working the whole day how typical. But my party is on saturday and i really wanted to lose some friggin weight for the dress i bought and to feel confident, and only have...four days left so that won't happen. My step mum is making chinese for dinner, dunno how i'll weasel my way out of that.

Finally some pictures (that probly don't do justice to how fat i've become but whatevs)

Nutrition today

- Caramel latte, large, skim 250

- Choc protein 'bulk' bar 220

total: 470

Days till party:4

Days till birthday:5

Days till holidays:3

caffeine high bitchezzz

Wowww my mind is floating. red bull (my life) combined with skinny caramel latte and pepsi max's = one jittery chick!


I worked yesterday then went to the city for dinner and got home at 1 and had to work again this morning! very unfair.
More weird was i went to sign up at the video shop and the guy is my pe teachers brother (she knows about my ED unfortunately through the school. awkward.) and then i ran into her when i hired a video! strange.
anyway i have become a protein addict. 
my english is over YAY. i'm seeing powderfinger saturday night and jet!! Doing the bridge run sunday. Finally started to lose a bit of weight, and 'the painters are in' wink wink so hopefully lose some of the disgusting bloating/water weight. haven't done my flute practise or chem assignment. whatever.
this is just me writing down everything, how interesting. extremely excited to read my 'NW' that has a free diet book and watch friends and make my friends birthday cake and dinner. joy!

nutrition 
-2 slimright 'full' shakes 350
-skinny caramel latte 150
-protein fix peppermint 240
total: 740

still to come: diet jelly, dinner (bean mash w/ lean mince) = add 350

day total: 1090

days till powderfinger: 6
days till maths: 7
days till party: 13

update

So i kinda feel too guilty to post anything on here. and not just because i'm listening to Tom Jones on repeat.
Usually i post when i've had a good day (food wise) or feel thin etc etc. (you know the deal) and tonight i am far from any of those things. My step mum+dad got back from london, with some AMAZING shoes.

But unfortunately that was the only good thing.

Of course, as predicted i was so excited or whatever (who know what) and i responded in the usual way- eating everything in sight. so this meant at school buying something every break (strawberry milk, muffin etc) and having this fatty afternoon tea with my friend and a huge dinner. how embarrassing. 

Just an update. my bloated fat self can't seem to think of something original or creative to end with except i'm still freaking out 'bout preliminary exams thursday.

Days till english exam: 3

Days till party: 19

Days till powderfinger concert: 12

People coming to party: 23

Peopl who can't come: 2

Foreboding...

So the past two days have been terrible. Last night I started to binge, it ended with about seven hundred calories on top of my already average day (calorie wise). My tennis was off which means I got no exercise or practise. The peanut butter cups are here for the party and I am an idiot. It kills me to admit this but - I broke into them. they're a big bag of mini cups and it wasn't too bad last night, but today i started with about ten and a piece of coconut bread (both of which i purged) and then tonight i would've easily had 30. and dinner. (both purged). so my friend is taking them to hers (pathetic yes).

So now i'm once again avoiding my homework, feeling fat and bloated and have a sore throat from violent purging. My psychologist appointments have been reduced to every four months now, because I convinced him i don't purge anymore, i've learned to accept there's more to life than my body, they usual bullshit.

I have to work tomorrow, 11-4 and i don't plan on eating till after my shift. I guess i'll be continuing my new found reputation and "shy and boring". great. (my new job, quit at my old cafe last weekend). 

So post binge my weight was 58.1 but i don't think the calories from the peanut butter cups have hit home yet. as you can tell, i'm just babbling here (please turn me off).

My history yearly was today, so it's out of the way. the next major stress is my last english exam next thursday and i'm unprepared.

Days till english: 6
Days till party: 22

Quick foodie update

So after the past three hours I thought i should ammend my calorie intake.
I made amazing diet muffins (cinnamon banana splenda egg white ginger flour etc - ask me for the recipe)
I glad-wrapped one for my friend Andrew tomorrow, and seeing as i'm wagging first two periods to study, I hope my will power holds.

I ate five just then (550) and drank a glass of skim soy milk (100).
I feel so bloated, and i'm positive i wouldn't fit those levi's.

Before the muffins I was 57.2, so if i hadn't fricken eaten anything, i'd be in the 56 range! typical.
Tomorrow I have tennis for a couple of hours and i plan to have two large skim caramel lattes and diet drinks. something small and vego for dinner (300) and the diet jelly w/ mandarin i made tonight. 

xx Claude

Tired, tried and tested

I feel like a dead (wo)man walking. Honestly I have no energy, and it just stresses me because tonight I have at least three hours of work to do but all i want to do is curl up in bed. Don't you hate that feeling? Then also i only have one five hour shift saturday, but feeling this crap means i just never want to leave the house.

So i skipped school (annoying) and went to my grandma's birthday lunch. It was great because she is so giving and finally got something back. But at the same time, i'd refuse a slice or biscuit and everyone would be "ohhh watching your weight. i guess you get that influence from your dad" etc etc. slightly awkward.

But we went groccery shopping (sadly my favourite thing to do) and i picked up banana's and vanilla essence for my diet muffin recipe. I finally found/created a good one that doesn't have a million ingredients,  is really easy and low calorie, tastes good and can have heaps of flavours!

anyway i think i might have some chicken breast with my new guilty addiction (sweet chili sauce) later. it's 6pm here and i ate lunch.

My nan also gave me a pair of levi's that she said were too small on her because she eats to much, ergo has a stomach. not sure if they look alright?

nutrition
- diet coke(s) 0
- peppermint tea 0
- grilled fish with salad (tasted like it had butter) 400

total (so far) 400