I weighed again and i'm down from 56.4 to 55.7 kilos or 123 to 122 pounds. I'm so happy it isn't just water weight that i'm losing. I'm starting to stress majorly about going back to school and having this new routine disturbed. I'm thinking i can still make the 200 cal pancakes in the morning, and take 2 cans of pepsi max to school and no money that way i won't buy from the canteen. Only downside is that it's school certificate and even now at home i can't concentrate enough to study.
When i get back to my hectic routine (flute, tennis, work) then i'm sure i'll just go back to bingeing and purging and gain back all the weigh i've lost.
Anyway, toodles
xx Claude
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
Finally!
Hi everyone in blog land. So you know that feeling where you wake up and your heart is beating realllly loud in your chest and you feel totally hollow and weak but kind of amazing at the same time? Finally I haven't woken up feeling full!! And then i weighed and i'd lost 3 pounds since yesterday. I know it's most likely just water weight but still. Working through lunch for half a week really gets you into a pattern of early breakfast and dinner with nothing in between. So not exactly progress but went from 126 to 123.
Whats great is that i have everyone's blogs to stalk, which is a complete trigger. The plan i follow when i'm working from 9am- afternoon is a big breakfast of pancakes, 200 calories (1/3 cup flour, 1/3 cup skim milk, vanilla essence, ginger, cinnamon, egg white, splenda) and then dinner, which i'm trying to make for my family (tonight steamed chicken breast) or go out for (last night artichoke & mushroom salad). I still have that on-edge feeling of oh-know-i'm-going-to-binge!!
Today i have thirty bucks to go grocery shopping (my favourite thing, slightly sad but what of it) and then i'm going to invest in friends season three.
Giving blood on thursday, and they say not to come in on an empty stomach, which is fine but then afterwards they force on you milkshakes and biscuits! My friend said she didn't want anything yet she still got milkshakes and biscuits. Also they weigh you. Boo.
Anyway. Gotta get ready for the day aka put on some eyeliner. I should really do some exercise tomorrow...
xx Claude
Whats great is that i have everyone's blogs to stalk, which is a complete trigger. The plan i follow when i'm working from 9am- afternoon is a big breakfast of pancakes, 200 calories (1/3 cup flour, 1/3 cup skim milk, vanilla essence, ginger, cinnamon, egg white, splenda) and then dinner, which i'm trying to make for my family (tonight steamed chicken breast) or go out for (last night artichoke & mushroom salad). I still have that on-edge feeling of oh-know-i'm-going-to-binge!!
Today i have thirty bucks to go grocery shopping (my favourite thing, slightly sad but what of it) and then i'm going to invest in friends season three.
Giving blood on thursday, and they say not to come in on an empty stomach, which is fine but then afterwards they force on you milkshakes and biscuits! My friend said she didn't want anything yet she still got milkshakes and biscuits. Also they weigh you. Boo.
Anyway. Gotta get ready for the day aka put on some eyeliner. I should really do some exercise tomorrow...
xx Claude
Friday, October 1, 2010
Buggered. preparing for more buggerdom
Gearing up for three straight days of work. Had an 11-4 shift today, then she gave me a pay rise (eek) and asked me to stay an extra hour, so i couldn't exactly say no! Tomorrow and sunday i'm on 9-3 and monday 9-4. So a total of 25 hours and $250. woot woot.
But yeah. even after one shift my feet are completely stuffed and i have NO idea how i'll get through work tomorrow. especially cuz i don't eat there, like today i ate a 300 cal breakfast at 10.30 then dinner at 7.30, nothing in between. Also i'm really annoyed cuz i just started this job but already my boss is like 'are you sure you're not going to eat something, you have to eat eventually' yada yada. But at least i'm definiely in the 57 range. and i measure over 166 (169 but i think it was wrong measuring). so bmi like 20 something. still very shameful. I'm hoping after this week of working (monday) i'll be at least 56, maybe 55.
Then giving blood thursday and having driving lessons, so thats another day taken. Also tuesday at the movies, always good to have two hours out of the way.
So plan for tomorrow
- wake at 7.30 and make breakfast while watching friends
- breakfast recipe: pancakes (1/2 cup flour, 1/2 skim milk, egg white, splenda, cinnamon)
- Go to work at 9 and drink pepsi max (caffeine) on the way.
- scab a couple diet drinks at work and sip throughout.
- get present for friends party after work and salad
- friends come over at 4. DON"T BINGE.
- maybe go out on the beach?
- try on dress's and flaunt nearly-there-ribs
- make dinner (ravioli, a few pieces for me and salad)
- total calories: 300 breakfast, sugar free jelly, 200 dinner = 550)
Nutrition
- egg whites, sweet chilli sauce 100
- low cal blueberry bread 300
- chicken mince (small amount), side pasta, peas,corn 350
Total: 750
xx Claude
But yeah. even after one shift my feet are completely stuffed and i have NO idea how i'll get through work tomorrow. especially cuz i don't eat there, like today i ate a 300 cal breakfast at 10.30 then dinner at 7.30, nothing in between. Also i'm really annoyed cuz i just started this job but already my boss is like 'are you sure you're not going to eat something, you have to eat eventually' yada yada. But at least i'm definiely in the 57 range. and i measure over 166 (169 but i think it was wrong measuring). so bmi like 20 something. still very shameful. I'm hoping after this week of working (monday) i'll be at least 56, maybe 55.
Then giving blood thursday and having driving lessons, so thats another day taken. Also tuesday at the movies, always good to have two hours out of the way.
So plan for tomorrow
- wake at 7.30 and make breakfast while watching friends
- breakfast recipe: pancakes (1/2 cup flour, 1/2 skim milk, egg white, splenda, cinnamon)
- Go to work at 9 and drink pepsi max (caffeine) on the way.
- scab a couple diet drinks at work and sip throughout.
- get present for friends party after work and salad
- friends come over at 4. DON"T BINGE.
- maybe go out on the beach?
- try on dress's and flaunt nearly-there-ribs
- make dinner (ravioli, a few pieces for me and salad)
- total calories: 300 breakfast, sugar free jelly, 200 dinner = 550)
Nutrition
- egg whites, sweet chilli sauce 100
- low cal blueberry bread 300
- chicken mince (small amount), side pasta, peas,corn 350
Total: 750
xx Claude
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Don't you hate parent bombshells...
Guten arven!
So a few weeks ago (actually one week and three days to be precise) I found myself in the food court after school and a day that was full of bingeing. I'd just had a maccas sundae, burger, chips. I NEVER eat fast food but a calorie is a calorie, no matter if it's an apple or six chips. Anyway i was stuffed so made my way to the bathroom and promptly puked up the food. I may have mentioned it, i started vomitting blood not the usual trail or red in spit but tablespoons of bright red. I rang my dad (who's a doctor) and little did i know my stepmother was in the car and i was on speakerphone!
My parents divorce was finalised yesterday and apparently my step mum has worked up my dad and the lawyer saying i am fatally ill vomiting blood and bingeing and purging every other day! total bollocks but i get she is worried. If i could give this eating shit up i would, in an instant.
So i'm booked into my old psychologist and a GP appointment who will tell me if i need an endoscopy! it sounds dramatic cuz it IS! a week and a half of nothing, i've purged only once and now i might have some friggin gut problem and two appointments when i had everyone nicely convinced that i was cured! eh i hate my luck.
On the UPSIDE (not) i am working tomorrow 11-4, saturday 9-3 and sunday 9-3. At least i can say that i'm having lunch at work and possibly make dinner tomorrow and saturday..
Went to lunch with my mother today, first time we've done something in months. When i'm with her i can really feel myself slipping back into wanting to starve and control. took some crappy mobile pics under the delusion that my stomach looked flatter.
Nutrition
- black jelly beans (alot!) 500
- scallops (3) with fancy beetroot/pea/salad 500
- small amount pizza (homemade) with salad 400
Total: around 1400
Heaps but whatever. I've lost since yesterday (three pounds!) even though it's period weight being lost.
XX Claude
So a few weeks ago (actually one week and three days to be precise) I found myself in the food court after school and a day that was full of bingeing. I'd just had a maccas sundae, burger, chips. I NEVER eat fast food but a calorie is a calorie, no matter if it's an apple or six chips. Anyway i was stuffed so made my way to the bathroom and promptly puked up the food. I may have mentioned it, i started vomitting blood not the usual trail or red in spit but tablespoons of bright red. I rang my dad (who's a doctor) and little did i know my stepmother was in the car and i was on speakerphone!
My parents divorce was finalised yesterday and apparently my step mum has worked up my dad and the lawyer saying i am fatally ill vomiting blood and bingeing and purging every other day! total bollocks but i get she is worried. If i could give this eating shit up i would, in an instant.
So i'm booked into my old psychologist and a GP appointment who will tell me if i need an endoscopy! it sounds dramatic cuz it IS! a week and a half of nothing, i've purged only once and now i might have some friggin gut problem and two appointments when i had everyone nicely convinced that i was cured! eh i hate my luck.
On the UPSIDE (not) i am working tomorrow 11-4, saturday 9-3 and sunday 9-3. At least i can say that i'm having lunch at work and possibly make dinner tomorrow and saturday..
Went to lunch with my mother today, first time we've done something in months. When i'm with her i can really feel myself slipping back into wanting to starve and control. took some crappy mobile pics under the delusion that my stomach looked flatter.
- black jelly beans (alot!) 500
- scallops (3) with fancy beetroot/pea/salad 500
- small amount pizza (homemade) with salad 400
Total: around 1400
Heaps but whatever. I've lost since yesterday (three pounds!) even though it's period weight being lost.
XX Claude
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Control
Heyhey. So had my birthday bash, which was FANTASTIC. This great venue with a lounge area, a bar, a deck, bathrooms and a huge dance floor. The DJ was great, everyone came (40 people or so) and had a good time. Then my gang came home and we spent hours opening up all forty presents (and yes i'm aware i sound like a stupid schoolgirl - which i am). I got over four hundred bucks in money and shopping vouchers (score) and two FISH! woot. they're called Gustav and Olive. And a couple seasons of friends which i'm currently addicted to.
Anyway had a huge cupcake. Very tempting, very nice, very moist, very amazing. Very given away to my friends.
The next day was my actual birthday and i had to work, then went out with my mum. ate a lil bit too much and same with the next two days. Though i did go to the beach and exposed my huge legs and stomach. I'll post a picture just as a 'before'
Anyway, today i've finally started to get some control.
Nutrition
-cereal with watery milk and fruit 350
-half skim caramel latte 100
-fruit salad and berry fruit 250
-rissoles with peas 400
total: 1100
So obviously not complete control but better than a 2000 calorie binge.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I kinda miss my stomach lining...
So haven't posted in a while, mainly cuz i'm too ashamed! As always, I've just (i think) gotten over the seriously heinous bingeing stage. Thank the lord and baby jesus. But it has had serious repercussions. For one i've gained like two kilos (five pounds) and i can't look at photos of myself without wanting to vomit. I went in the sydney bridge run, which was four and a half kilometres and i did it in 25 minutes. As you can see my fitness is also suffering from my recent binges! The morning of the run we were at a hotel after seeing jet and powderfinger (amazing) and I had sworn to have a super healthy breakfast after our midnight tim tam run. Cuz it was a buffet there were alot of healthier options, but typically i had to much. SO whilst it was mostly muesli, poached eggs and toast i ate way too much. Then got home and had this disgusting chicken wrap and binged, tried but failed to purge. Yesterday after school had a maccas binge and for the first time in four years brought up an obvious amount of blood, which needless to say is worrying.
Probly why i have been almost terrified of bingeing again, had half my dinner last night and a coffee and protein bar today (6pm). Oh well might make me lose weight finally.
Also have entered this writing competition just for fun, but the lady from the ABC wrote back and said she liked it. http://heywire.abc.net.au/_The-truth-about-our-history/blog/2646077/13362.html
My birthday is on sunday, and i'm working the whole day how typical. But my party is on saturday and i really wanted to lose some friggin weight for the dress i bought and to feel confident, and only have...four days left so that won't happen. My step mum is making chinese for dinner, dunno how i'll weasel my way out of that.
Finally some pictures (that probly don't do justice to how fat i've become but whatevs)
Probly why i have been almost terrified of bingeing again, had half my dinner last night and a coffee and protein bar today (6pm). Oh well might make me lose weight finally.
Also have entered this writing competition just for fun, but the lady from the ABC wrote back and said she liked it. http://heywire.abc.net.au/_The-truth-about-our-history/blog/2646077/13362.html
My birthday is on sunday, and i'm working the whole day how typical. But my party is on saturday and i really wanted to lose some friggin weight for the dress i bought and to feel confident, and only have...four days left so that won't happen. My step mum is making chinese for dinner, dunno how i'll weasel my way out of that.
Finally some pictures (that probly don't do justice to how fat i've become but whatevs)
Nutrition today
- Caramel latte, large, skim 250
- Choc protein 'bulk' bar 220
total: 470
Days till party:4
Days till birthday:5
Days till holidays:3
Saturday, September 11, 2010
caffeine high bitchezzz
Wowww my mind is floating. red bull (my life) combined with skinny caramel latte and pepsi max's = one jittery chick!
I worked yesterday then went to the city for dinner and got home at 1 and had to work again this morning! very unfair.
More weird was i went to sign up at the video shop and the guy is my pe teachers brother (she knows about my ED unfortunately through the school. awkward.) and then i ran into her when i hired a video! strange.
anyway i have become a protein addict.
my english is over YAY. i'm seeing powderfinger saturday night and jet!! Doing the bridge run sunday. Finally started to lose a bit of weight, and 'the painters are in' wink wink so hopefully lose some of the disgusting bloating/water weight. haven't done my flute practise or chem assignment. whatever.
this is just me writing down everything, how interesting. extremely excited to read my 'NW' that has a free diet book and watch friends and make my friends birthday cake and dinner. joy!
nutrition
-2 slimright 'full' shakes 350
-skinny caramel latte 150
-protein fix peppermint 240
total: 740
still to come: diet jelly, dinner (bean mash w/ lean mince) = add 350
day total: 1090
days till powderfinger: 6
days till maths: 7
days till party: 13
I worked yesterday then went to the city for dinner and got home at 1 and had to work again this morning! very unfair.
More weird was i went to sign up at the video shop and the guy is my pe teachers brother (she knows about my ED unfortunately through the school. awkward.) and then i ran into her when i hired a video! strange.
anyway i have become a protein addict.
my english is over YAY. i'm seeing powderfinger saturday night and jet!! Doing the bridge run sunday. Finally started to lose a bit of weight, and 'the painters are in' wink wink so hopefully lose some of the disgusting bloating/water weight. haven't done my flute practise or chem assignment. whatever.
this is just me writing down everything, how interesting. extremely excited to read my 'NW' that has a free diet book and watch friends and make my friends birthday cake and dinner. joy!
nutrition
-2 slimright 'full' shakes 350
-skinny caramel latte 150
-protein fix peppermint 240
total: 740
still to come: diet jelly, dinner (bean mash w/ lean mince) = add 350
day total: 1090
days till powderfinger: 6
days till maths: 7
days till party: 13
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